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Christmas Gifts for an Enemy

November 22nd, 2010 - Uncategorized - 35 Comments »

I know. It’s that time of year again. We’re all running around buying gifts for those nearest and dearest to us. News segments, magazine articles, and coffeehouse conversations all around the world are devoting serious time and energy to finding that special gift for that special someone in your life.

What about your enemies though? Don’t they deserve that kind of thought? Don’t they have feelings too? I mean, sure…they’re expecting a terrible gift. But the least you could do is make it a terrible gift from the heart. After all, it is the thought that counts.

Here’s a list of what I’m getting my enemies:

A Kei$ha CD inside a Mumford & Sons case

Entire season of Lost on VHS

A Used-Dental-Floss-Scented candle

A 2-Year T-Mobile contract (with free Razr phone)

Front row seats at a Nickelback concert (with Creed opening)

A Hallmark card with nothing inside

Three pairs of my old carpenter jeans

A set of World Book Encyclopedias

A bar of soap and washcloth

Credit card points

The task of converting a certain self-published book into .epub or .mobi format

12 pounds of black licorice

A guilt trip

A 26.6k modem

My passport photo, blown up and framed

The process of buying and selling a used car

A Zune with no gift receipt

A Discman

The responsibility of faxing something for me

A conversation about politics

A post-kitten aged cat that still has many years left to live

Caillou box set for their kids

A pamphlet of any kind

This is just a start. What else would make a good Christmas gift for an enemy?

This year’s list of Trivial Things I’m Thankful For is coming tomorrow.

  • http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/ Sharideth Smith

    Gili – the extended version
    Lice
    Cottage Cheese Jello Mold
    Pelvic or Prostate Exam – depending
    Deck of 51 cards
    Dial-up Internet
    Gilbert Gottfried Wake-Up Call
    Starbucks Gift Card worth 13 cents

  • stephaniekandray.com

    This T-shirt…which is conveniently on clearance!

    http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8A…

  • http://bryanallain.com bryan a

    a link to Tripp's blog

  • fireboy48

    First of all, don't be dissin' carpenter jeans. They are, quite possibly, the next best thing to going out in public in your pj's. Second, substitute Sufjan Stevens (just don't get the appeal) for Nickelback and I'm with you. I was going to say something snarky about iPhones, crappy AT&T service and being pretensious in place of the T-mobile dig, but I decided to take the high road and imply it instead.

    • Tyler Stanton

      i appreciate you taking the high road. and yes, this list reeks of my pretentiousness.

  • http://www.pofgblog.com joerob577

    Good grief! I clicked the Discman link… When did those become a collector's item? $380 for a new discman?! Who still has new discmans? You can get the 64 gB iPod Touch with video chat, etc., for not much more than that…

    Also, great call on the Nickelback/Creed concert. You would literally leave that concert saying, "Hmmm… I wonder why they played the same song over and over for three and a half hours…"

  • Shawn

    A $5 gift certificate to Long John Silvers

  • http://www.notenoughcoffee.com Amanda

    My boss is a mean, horrible, shrew and I gave a lot of thought to giving her some kind of management 101 book. How to win friends and influence people, One Minute Manager, The No A-hole rule…. complete with highlighted portions and margin notes of how she doesn't exhibit any leadership qualities. However, I have decided to take the high road.
    This year I'm giving her a copy of The Shack. More than my snarky disapproval, she needs to reconnect with Jesus. I'd just get her a Bible but she'd probably take it wrong.
    Here's to hoping that it doesn't end up in the trash!

  • Trent Dawson

    World Book encyclopedias that detail how man will never walk on the moon.

  • http://movethemountains.blogspot.com ChadJ

    A bowl haircut… No, wait–that’s cool now, right?

    An invitation to adult circumcision (like Abraham).

    A little tent time with Jael (remember Sisera?)

    An invitation to be interviewed by me on “Textual Harassment” at http://blog.randomlychad.com Wait, that’s actually cool! Bryan A is being interviewed there today and tomorrow. Your time is coming, Tyler. ;-)

  • http://auntmeggie.blogspot.com Megan

    I'm a nanny, and an aunt, so I've seen a lot of kid's shows. Caillou is, by far, the very worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life. That + the cat thing = a detailed description of my personal hell.

  • Bryan

    Don't think I can top a post-kitten aged cat with many years left to live

    Long-distance minutes
    A printer whose ink can only be ordered on-line
    A 600-pound stainless steel grill
    Tickets to a Timberwolves v. Nets game
    Gift certificate to Uptons
    Trip to Memphis
    A 2.0 Megapixel Digital Camera
    50-pack of blank CDs

  • nate

    a signed copy of everyday absurdities.

    (i can't believe no one has made that joke yet)

    love you tyler…i'm actually giving your book as a gift to my cousin- who is not my enemy

    • Tyler Stanton

      i've got to hand it to you… that is a good joke.especially because it's signed.

  • Kathryn

    Ok so you have to stop it with the cats…My cat who was post-kitten age when we got him is totally cool. Just this morning while my sister was doing her hair he decided to groom his…copy cat…They are awesome…

  • LaceyKeigley

    A bevy of unsharpened wooden pencils and a subpar handheld pencil sharpener.

    Personal-szied instant coffee packets.

    A gift certificate to an expensive restaurant with just enough money to make it worthwhile going but not enough money to cover the cost of an entire meal for you and your date.

    • Tyler Stanton

      bevy…well done.i thought about putting that exact gift certificate, but couldn't think of how to word it. yep, that's the one.

  • Kyle

    A bottle of Florida faucet water.
    Jock Jams on cassette.
    The vanity license plate "2 LEGIT"
    A snow day without school being canceled.

    • Tyler Stanton

      that's a post in and of itself: “things i'd rather drink than florida faucet water”

  • http://twitter.com/jccrain Jeff

    Well done on the Ke$ha CD in a Mumford and Sons case.

    A CD holder for your car visor
    Berkinstocks
    Button down pants (Austin Powers style)
    A firewire charging cord for your iPod
    Windows 98 OS
    A gift card to Burger King
    Playstation One

  • aimee

    A coworker of mine once gave another of our coworkers a pack of nutritional supplements that are supposed to cure bad breath internally. Talk about awkward.

  • Andrea

    -Chia pet
    -Snuggie
    -Tamagotchi
    -Justin Bieber

    Totally with you on the cats.

  • brothertonandrew

    I would give my enemies an Obama chia pet, the camo snuggie, a dog with three legs with a very high medical bill that is too cute to put down, Windows Vista, a floppy drive, a remote control car with the really tough plastic to break through for their little kid with no batteries on Christmas, a broken fire alarm that can't recognize that you've changed the batteries so it continues to beep, Tickle me big bird (perhaps the creepiest toy ever-seriously it is impossible to break and it makes noise anytime anyone is close) a ticket to an all star concert lineup of Creed, Nickelback, and Adam Lambert. Vikings tickets, Brett Favre's cell phone, and a yugo.

    • http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/ Sharideth Smith

      a yugo?!? you're evil.

      • brothertonandrew

        Yes I am.

  • http://movethemountains.blogspot.com ChadJ

    Some good sloppy kisses from Tripp’s new dog, Jeff, when he’s sportin’ a blue beard.

    A Bieber CD in a Mariah Carey case.

    A 1-year subscription to your blog’s RSS feed.

  • http://www.kevinkeigley.com Kevin Keigley

    A stuffed animal hammock for the corner of his/her room
    A box filled with dog feces containing a note written carefully in calligraphy that says, "You"
    Any movie starring Mario Van Peebles

  • Matty

    Can I have your jeans?

    • Tyler Stanton

      Ha! Yes, of course.

  • http://180tampa.com Jerry White

    A personal invitation to any of the MLM, Candle, Make up, Knife, Jewelry etc… "In Home" parties.

  • angelmiles

    Instead of a blank card, re-gift a card you got and cross out some of the words, and of course your name, then simply put theirs! It's cost-efficient. For the gift you do get other than a card, you can make your own gift bag by using a grocery bag. Environmentally friendly since you would be recycling…

    • http://considerthedandelion.blogspot.com/ Amanda

      My grandparents already do something like this. I get presents in instant oatmeal boxes almost every Christmas.

  • http://www.riseupandgo.com Rise Up and Go
  • http://ronnisrants.blogspot.com Ronni

    Any book by V C Andrews
    A stuffed starfish for my acquaintance who collects teddy bears
    Lots of hair jewelry for the person with the disastrous pixie cut
    Tickets to a really BAD play

  • Jeff

    This is fantastic. I would like to see someone get a season pass to the Atlanta Thrashers Hall of Fame.