Scott Moore and I have a lot in common. We love Andy Bernard. We love Friday Night Lights. And, proudly, we both love going to the movies alone. There’s nothing quite like it. Today Scott offers us some nuggets of wisdom for making the solo-movie-going experience the best it can be. Scott…you’re up.
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My family has been out of town for an entire week. In the beginning, I was excited to have a week for myself. But by Day 3, things were considerably less awesome than I had anticipated, with hints of loneliness creeping in. By Day 6, I was sitting on the couch wearing nothing but the same boxers I’d had on since Day 4 and staring into an empty bag of Totino’s pizza rolls thinking how the dark emptiness of the bag was an excellent metaphor for the gaping abyss of my soul. I missed my family.

One night, in an effort to defend my mind from the certain onset of depression I was slipping into, I went to the movie theater. Alone. Gasp! To be certain, one of the saddest situations in life could be seeing that one lone dude walking into a crowded movie theater all alone.

But it doesn’t have to be sad. In this situation, the responsibility falls on that solitary man to prove to everyone that there is no reason to feel shame for him. That’s why I’m here today, to help you tiptoe the line between shame and envy. Bonus tip: You probably do not want to tiptoe when walking into a theater alone.

The Four Simple Steps:

1. Picking the movie time.
Never go on a Friday or Saturday night. This is when the theater is most packed and there will be more teeny boppers there to judge you. If Twihards are heaping scorn upon you, your life is fail.

2. Buying the ticket.
Avoid saying “Ticket for one”. As Three Dog Night warned us so long ago, one is the loneliest number. Instead, try saying only the time and name of the movie: “The 1:45 African Cats.” Note that sometimes you’ll still be asked “How many?” Your response? Hold up a single finger. If you don’t say it out loud, it’s like it’s not really happening.

3. Interior strategy.
You walk into a dark theater, countless eyes accusingly gawk down upon you as you carefully climb up the stairs silently pleading with God to not to let you trip. Undoubtedly these people feel sorry for you and think to themselves: “Look at this sad man. The poor sap couldn’t find one person to go to a movie with him. It’s not like they have to talk to the guy, just sit next to him. I can’t believe this guy can’t convince one single human being to sit next to him for an hour and a half of enjoyable escapism. There must be something terribly wrong this guy. He must be a horrible person. He’s probably going to blow this place up! He’s prob….Oooo previews!”

Your defense – place your cell phone to your ear and quote the following: “Hello?…Hey numerous fun and exciting friends, I got the tickets…..where are you? What do you mean you can’t make it?…..I bought tickets for everyone……Not cool!” Then hang up disgustedly.

Now, everyone will feel sorry for you, not because of your lack of friends, but because you have inconsiderate friends. As you’re putting your phone back in your pocket, you can say “What losers.” Then everyone within arms reach will agree with you and multiple high-fives will be dispensed. Maybe afterwards you can all go to Waffle House and hang out.

4. Exiting.
If step 3 failed and you don’t have delicious after-movie plans with your new friends, time your exit with the lights coming back on at the end of the movie. Everyone will be squinting as their eyes adjust to the new light. Use this the way the military uses flash grenades and make a break for it while everyone is disoriented. Walk quickly, but do not run. Running will only draw attention to yourself. Blend in with the exiting crowds and you are home free.

If you apply these tactics, please report back how it went. I’m keeping statistics. For science.

Those of you who enjoy going to the movies alone – Any other tips?
Those of you who don’t – You haven’t truly lived.

For more Scott, go here.