Today’s guest post is from David T. Robbins, or “Trobbins” as he prefers people to prefer to call him. Today he attempts to put structure around an issue we’re all familiar with (but too scared to admit) – Gym-ing. Read it. Meditate on it. Add to the list. Repeat if necessary. T-Robe (your new nickname), you’re up…
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I know what you’re thinking, “There’s no such thing as gym-ing!” Well, obviously, you’ve never gym-ed. So shut up and listen, Mom!

Gym-ing has absolutely nothing to do with working out. It doesn’t consist of exercises that help you shed fat around your core and sculpt your biceps or chest. Gym-ing won’t help you get in shape and ready for the beach this summer. No, my friends. Gym-ing has an entirely different function. In fact, gym-ing doesn’t even involve a gym! See Webster’s definition of gym-ing below:

Gym-ing is the art of fooling one’s family, friends, co-workers, and the like into believing one has just completed a vigorous exercise regimen.

The truth is, very few of us have time to make it to the gym. So, the next best thing is to convince our loved ones that we really do care about our health so they’ll get off of our backs about all the fast food we eat even though we’re just kind of depressed that our girlfriend just dumped us for our best friend. Follow these simple steps and no one will ever hassle you again for neglecting the proper care and feeding of your body.

1. Attire is everything.
I understand that this can be expensive but it is absolutely essential that you buy as much “work-out gear” as possible. Shorts, t-shirts, running shoes, headbands, etc. are all examples of appropriate gym-ing wear. When choosing the colors of your clothing, I suggest that you choose lighter colors. By doing this, you can roll around for a few minutes on your lawn, creating grass and dirt stains, giving the impression that you’ve just participated in some full-contact sport for several hours.

2. Bathing is Bad.
No one is going to believe you’ve been working out when you smell like Axe Body Wash. If you know that Tuesday you’ll be “bumping into” that girl/guy with the gorgeous smile, I suggest you put a halt to all cleansing on Saturday. The more pungent the smell, the greater impression you’ll leave that you’ve worked your butt off doing 3 hours of straight cardio.

3. Location! Location! Location!
The best places to go gym-ing are usually the ones where less physical space is available. The greatest example I can give is that of an elevator. During your hour lunch, make sure that you’ve changed into your gym-ing clothes and done your best to get some stink on you. Upon returning to the office, find the elevator with the most people in it. When everyone around you looks repulsed, kindly respond “I’m sorry, friends. I’ve just been working hard on losing some weight. My doctor says if I don’t, I’ll die. Please root me on!” By doing this, you’ve not only successfully gym-ed but you’ve gained a few followers, cheering you along the way.

4. Never Commit.
The last and most important rules of gym-ing is to not commit to claiming membership of any particular gym. In doing so, you might blow your cover and run into someone who attends that gym and grows suspicious of your alleged workouts. When people ask, make sure you say “I’m more of a loner. It gives me time to meditate and get focused. Plus, it’s kind of my quiet time with God.” No one will ever question you after that.

I know a lot of you already participate in gym-ing. Heck, you’re probably better than me at it. Help me out, will you? I’m trying to write an exhaustive manual.

What else should be added to the list?
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Trobbins writes daily at his self-titled WordPress blog, davidtrobbins.wordpress.com. Snoop around for a while. You’re welcome in advance.