When Knox sent me this guest post, I had two initial thoughts: 1) Come on man, I’ve already written about public restrooms before, and 2) It’s too long. Then I actually read it. It’s freaking brilliant. I loved every word – and I know you will too. Knox, you’re up…
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Men’s Public Restrooms are the purgatories of the human soul. There’s a reason the first Saw movie took place in one.  Most are transcendentally awful, awful places with ample loads of hygiene horror and even more ample reserves of offensive smells and sights. There’s something about a public restroom that green lights man’s most depraved behavior.

If you are a human being and not prone to hermit-like behavior, odds are good that you will eventually end up in a public restroom. So here’s a guide to the people you can expect to encounter.

1. THE TALKER

Listen bro, as counter-intuitive as this is, the public restroom is a sanctum, albeit one where bodily fluids/solids meet their demise, but it is a sanctum nonetheless, so treat it with respect. You may have some profound thoughts on the person who went home Idol last night, or how Seacrest’s suit clashed with his eyes, but I don’t care. Silencio, por favor.

Moreover, this type of person raises 2 larger ethical questions:

1. Isn’t it ruthlessly disrespectful to be speaking with someone on the phone while you urinate/defecate? If I’m on the phone with you and I hear a noise indicative of human waste meeting water, our relationship is going to evolve and not in a good way.

2. Did you stop to think about those of us people with shy bladders? If you’re yammering on and on about how your newborn son is the next Dale Jr. because he has a birthmark resembling Junior’s likeness onto his inner thigh, that’s cool info and all, but if it stifles my body from cleansing it’s palate (so to speak) then it’s a major social faux pa.

2. THE CLOSE EXCRETOR

This person is the evolutionary form of the Close Talker. Not content to smother you with his words, this adaptive species must now impose the excretionary sounds and processes as close to you as possible. If you are in a stall and there are 24 other stalls that are empty, he will first rattle your stall’s door handle like the DEA crashing into a meth lab. When he’s rebuffed (hopefully) by your stall’s lock system, he will occupy the stall immediately to your left or right and, (how do I put this gently) unleash a hellstorm of sensory fury on the toilet,  your nose, and your ears.

3. THE HIT-FOR-THE-CYCLE GUY

Most people go into a public bathroom for a specific reason. Hand washing, nasal distress, Onesy Action, Twosy Action, or to dramatically splash water on their face when confronted with a life-altering situation. These are the only acceptable reasons to go into a public restroom.

The Hit-for-the-Cycle Guy though, plows through ALL of these scenarios in one visit. Usually, he approaches a urinal and get to hocking up a substantial amount of phlegm that they then spit into it. After this, he flatulates so loudly and profoundly that everyone in the restroom has to consider what to do if this guy just Code Browned himself. He then washes his hands and splashes water on his face because of all the ejectionary work he has just engaged in and walks out.

4. THE NO SECRETS GUY

My dad encountered this one in a movie theatre bathroom while we were on a family vacation. We’d just seen the first Lord of the Rings, and just so we’re clear, my dad isn’t a Tolkien-type. Him watching Lord of the Rings would be like expecting a dolphin to watch and understand Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Just different skill sets and ideologies all the way around. Anyways, my dad had just endured what was most assuredly the longest 3 hours of his life when he walked into the theatre’s restroom.

The first thing he sees is some ancient old man with his shorts down to his ankles at a urinal. If you’re unclear, pulling your shorts down to your ankles at a urinal is A) bad form and B) it basically defeats the whole purpose of using a urinal. It’s like NASA launching a space shuttle from Cape Canaveral with the destination being Orlando. It’s strategy just a little too fast and a smidge too furious.

Who did I miss? And ladies, what kind of women do you encounter in your bathroom?

For more Knox, go here.