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16 Things That Don’t Impress Me

June 6th, 2011 - Uncategorized - 37 Comments »

I’m pretty easily impressed. Show me a good Christopher Walken impersonation or a toddler who can dance and I’ll be talking about it for weeks. There are a few things, however, that have never, nor will ever, impress me. Here are 16 of them:

[Note: In order to balance the scales, I made sure to include a few of the things that do impress me as well]

1. Horsepower
Am impressed by: High miles-per-gallon and stowaway seating

2. How you faired on your latest Facebook quiz
Am impressed by: Whether or not you’ve figured out how to permanently hide quiz-sharers from your news feed

3. Your successes in fantasy sports
Am impressed by: Your successes in something real

4. How fast you can go when light turns green
Am impressed by: Were you paying attention when the light turned green?

5. The special features of your non-iPhone smartphone
Am impressed by: People still using the iPod Mini

6. Your ability to quote movies
Am impressed by: Your ability to unashamedly go to movies alone

7. The fact that you knew about a band before they sold out
Am impressed by: You continuing to be a fan even though they didn’t consult you before making the hasty decision to sell out

8. The brand of your jeans
Am impressed by: The proper length of your jeans

9. Bling of any kind

10. Using words like “bling”

11. How much poker lingo you know
Am impressed by: How you treat me the guy at the table who doesn’t know the intricacies of Seven Card Stud

12. Your ability to hold your own in a theological debate
Am impressed by: Your ability to realize no one changes their mind in said debates and refraining from the debate altogether

13. How little television you watch
Am impressed by: How much good television you watch

14. Abs
Am impressed by: David Blaine

15. A photo of your baby
Am impressed by: A photo of my baby

16. Abstaining from Twitter and Facebook
Am impressed by: Applying that same logic to other revolutionary-turned-normal forms of communication, such as email and cell phones.

What things don’t impress you (and what things do)?

  • http://joshlafayette.com/blogs Josh LaFayette

    Hilarious post, dude! My favs are 3, 12, and 15.
    Totally had me lol'n.

  • Jonathan

    So, I should drive my hybrid minivan to a movie by myself where I run into you and show you the latest pictures of your kids. Noted.

  • http://twitter.com/joelmorgan4 @joelmorgan4

    #17 – I'm not impressed by the use of cliche internet acronymns. I am impressed by proper use of grammar.

  • http://www.trippcrosby.com/blog Tripp Crosby

    Dear Tyler,

    We're not impressed with how normal you are.

    Sincerely,

    Your friend who likes to write self-conversations and recite lines from Home Alone 3

    • Tyler Stanton

      You're just mad cause I insulted poker lingo.

  • Darooda

    Have you actually found high-miles-per-gallon and stowaway seating in the same package? I'd actually be impressed by that. I still like my 35mpg, 300 HP, family-hauling road trip machine even if you aren't impressed by it.

    • Tyler Stanton

      No. But I would be impressed if it existed.

  • …adam

    Not impressed by: your knowledge of the daily interactions of celebs

    Am impressed by: celebs who are just like us (they pump their own gas!)

    Not impressed by: you voting for the winner of American Idol

    Am impressed by: the quick wit of the show happy endings

    Not impressed by: the fact you know all the words to the Bare Naked Ladies song “One Week”

    Am impressed by: ok, fine, I am impressed.

  • http://www.joerob.com Joseph

    I'm not impressed with people who brag about reading obscure, artsy novels. Guess what? It's obscure because no one wants to read it.

  • evdaddy

    Not impressed with people who become too important to meet with his friends for Man Club.
    Am impressed with people who are awesomely funny and busy, but still manages to meet with the little people in his life.

    Not impressed with 40 year old men who make snide comments on a friend's blog.
    Am impressed with 40 year old men who leave encouraging words on a friend's blog.

    You are getting to do some really cool things, and you are one of my heroes.

    • Tyler Stanton

      I will punch you. Wednesday at noon.

  • http://samdavidson.net Sam Davidson

    I am not impressed by:
    - Your "max" in any given weight-lifting routine
    - How great you are at grilling

  • http://www.knoxmccoy.com Knox McCoy

    "13. How little television you watch
    Am impressed by: How much good television you watch"

    Boom. I'm tattooing this on my lower lip.

    • Tyler Stanton

      Backwards, right?

  • http://www.thecjadams.com CJ Adams

    Love number 2. To go along with that, I'm not impressed by your score in Farmville or Mafia Wars or other meaningless games on Facebook.

  • Tyler Stanton

    love those. man, good grillers really want you to know it.tyler stanton

  • Kyle

    This post had me cracking up from #1.

  • allisonlh

    I am impressed by your use of the word "octagenarian."

  • Bryan

    Great post all around. Wish I had something poignant to add but all the major topics were addressed adequately. Love it.

  • http://abluesicanwhistle.blogspot.com Tim

    Love the post! Hilarious and true.

    I am not impressed by –

    Where you're e-mail was sent from.

    • http://abluesicanwhistle.blogspot.com Tim

      I am impressed by –

      The fact that you have a gmail account.

  • Nick

    I'm not impressed with how many beers/alcohol you drank last weekend.

  • http://www.considerthedandelion.blogspot.com Mandie_Marie

    not impressed by a dude's ability to refrain from shaving because he's lazy.

    am impressed by a dude's ability to refrain from shaving in order to grow a wicked sweet beard.

  • http://iamjakz.wordpress.com Jakz

    I love this post!
    I'm not impressed by what brand of purse you carry or that it cost enough to feed an entire 3rd world country.

    I am impressed when you can actually find a specific item in your purse.

  • cody

    David Blaine? Really? Let me show you a magic trick. I'm hanging upside down. See?

    • Tyler Stanton

      Don't you dare insult a guy who stood on top of a 10-story pillar for 35 hours!!

  • http://www.crusadingwithkatie.com Katie

    I'm not impressed by how far you ran or fast you ran it in.
    I am impressed by the fact that you're wearing Fivefinger shoes. You must REALLY not care about what others are saying about you as you run.

    • freewayhome

      Five finger shoes are an incredible feat of engineering that should be appreciated by all mankind.

    • Tyler Stanton

      Guilty.

  • http://afterfb.blogspot.com Zechariah Brewer

    I started a blog based on #16 and the premise that not using FaceBook has to be more important to me than to anyone else.

  • David

    I'm not impressed by whether your boomerang is made out of carbon fiber and how expensive it was.

    I am impressed by how accurately you can throw your boomerang.

    • Tyler Stanton

      It's always about boomerangs with you Dave. I'm sick and tired of your boomerang observations!

  • Tyler Stanton

    NO! Nothing wrong with it at all.
    You probably don't know it, but you're part of an elite sector of humanity.

  • Tyler Stanton

    One day, K-less. One day.

  • http://www.davepettengill.net DavePettengill

    I am not impressed with your kill streak on Call of Duty. Great you play the game 5 hours everyday and you now have the golden bazooka no one cares….actually 12 year old gaming nerds and 35 year old guys living in their moms basements but thats it.

  • http://theisleofman.blogspot.com Kevin Haggerty

    I’m right with you on #13. When somebody looks down their nose at me and tells me they don’t watch TV, in a tone that clearly is supposed to impress upon me that there is a possibility that they are choosing to not watch TV because it interferes with them pursuing worthy items of action, such as: curing cancer, learning to read the minds of monkeys or help every elderly person in America simultaneously cross the street…I want to punch their face…or their throat.

    TV is great. Watching it all the time? Different story. But there are a lot of gems on TV. Acting too cool for TV makes my gag reflex act up. 

  • Shaun

    #17 – your ability to take photos of yourself with your phone in front of the bathroom mirror.