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Rules Regarding Weddings

October 18th, 2011 - Uncategorized - 40 Comments »

Recently, I was about to send a soon-to-be-married friend the following text: “What on your registry do you need the most in the $30 price range?” It seemed thoughtful and direct, but my wife informed me that this kind of thing is frowned upon in the wedding world. You just don’t do it.

That got me thinking about some of the other unwritten rules regarding weddings – Lord knows there are many. I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if they were addressed right here, and written down once and for all.

1. If you haven’t been invited, it’s never okay to ask the groom where your invitation is. This happened to me. An acquaintance told me point blank that he/she hadn’t received the invitation. Naturally, I lied and made up some excuse about how a batch had been returned due to parcel irregularity.

1b. Don’t force the groom make up concepts like parcel irregularity days before his wedding. He has other things to be thinking about.

2. No one has ever taken an invitation to be an usher as a compliment. It’s like the varsity basketball coach letting you sit on the bench with the players, but you have to wear khakis and keep track of free throws on your clipboard.

3. Grooms – If you haven’t used one in the last year, it is not okay to give it as a groomsmen gift. Come on! Help us forget about dropping $175 on a rental tux.

4. Please let us RSVP via email.

5. You know when the bride and groom are leaving the reception and everyone lines up and blows bubbles or throws birdseed? Well I had a random guy drench me with a glass of water. Just him. Whatever that is, don’t do it.*

6. Grooms – Choose your battles when planning the ceremony. Why would you possibly choose to have an opinion about flower arrangements or groomsmen/bridesmaid pairings? Trust me, there are better hills to die on.

7. Don’t criticize the ceremony. There’s a reason the bride and groom didn’t consult you when planning it – they don’t care what you think. It’s their wedding. And besides, they’re the only ones who will remember a single detail about it nine minutes after it’s over.

7b. Seriously though, bride and groom…err on the brief side.

Any other rules I’m leaving out? Let us know in the comments.

*Now that I think about it, I was part of a group who threw my brother-in-law in a pond at his reception. That’s infinitely worse. Sorry I’m a terrible person, Josh.

  • http://xenoabedesign.com Justin

    1. If you live in the South please don't have a wedding in or near a city that has a major college football team in the Fall, especially when said team is playing that day.

    2. The Bride and Groom do NOT hate getting gift cards as wedding gifts. They're going to have to buy stuff and they probably know better than you do what they want and/or need.

    3. Research your DJ. He could be the DJ for your friend's wedding the week before and announce your wedding and dedicate a dance at this wedding in front of a crowd consisting of 90% of people who have no idea who you are. He may also go into details of his divorce and try to talk you out of getting married.(This seriously happened to us.)

    • James

      Definitely agree with no.2. But, I would expand it to include cash.

  • http://thegboat.net/ The Joseph Craven

    I was an usher in my brother's wedding. So there you go.

    • mattgates7

      I was an usher in my brother's wedding AND my dad's wedding. Apparently the men in my family, except for myself of course, suck.

  • Rebecca Millwood

    If you RSVP’d yes and don’t show- you owe me 30 a head… And a gift

    • http://www.evanforester.com EvanForester4

      After our wedding, we can never view RSVP's the same way again. Those things are serious.

  • Jenny

    Agreed with Justin on his number 1. And don't have an outside wedding in the middle of summer in the South. Der. I did this. Sorry folks. But I paid for it. Felt like I was on fire through the whole wedding.

    And I agree with the whole asking about getting an invitation thing. My great aunt wasn't invited to ours because I NEVER TALK TO HER. But she proceeded, 6 months after our wedding, to tell me (while we were at my granddad's funeral) how she would have gotten me a gift if she had've been invited.

    No words for that. Just don't do it.

  • http://www.joerob.com Joseph

    I feel you on not criticizing the ceremony. I actually thought about Bryan Allain's magazine piece on the wedding he flamed on his blog one time.

    I do draw a criticism "line in the sand", though, in actual sand… If you're going to have a beach wedding, don't do it at 1PM in July in South Carolina. I expect to gain a pound or so from overeating at your wedding reception. I do not expect to lose more than that through sweating during your ceremony. And if I get a sunburn during your wedding, it's on.

  • http://www.takingbacktiffany.com dtdorrin

    - Don't send someone a facebook message asking someone for their address for the invitation, and then you don't send them one. Awkward. Or, you know, make sure you send the facebook message to the right person.

    - Asking your female friend to hand out programs or "oversee" the guest book is also not a compliment. Why do you even need someone to hover over the guest book? It's a made up job!

  • timdreyfus

    Take your pictures before the wedding. Nothing is more awkward than having to stand around for 30 minutes after the ceremony to wait to get a slice of cake.

    Also, agree on the outside weddings in the summer in the South.

  • allisonlh

    Brides–Don't give a makeover to your bridesmaids as a gift. Some of us view this as the equivalent of prison torture. (Thank goodness this happened to me a couple of weeks before the wedding, not the day of…)

    Groomsmen–Don't hit on the bridesmaids during the wedding. We're already feeling self-conscious enough after our makeovers and don't need to feel creeped out by you.

    Couples–If you do choose an outdoor wedding, for heaven's sake, please provide fans. Better yet, provide programs-printed-on-fans.

    • http://www.davepettengill.net DavePettengill

      My wife and I had our wedding outside in Michigan this past summer and our programs were made on purpose in the shape of fans!

      • allisonlh

        Good job, Dave–for both the program-fans and for choosing Michigan for a summer outdoor wedding.

        • http://www.davepettengill.net DavePettengill

          We got married right by Lake Erie and it was 75 the day before our wedding the day of our wedding it was about 95 degrees with the heat index! It was really good that we made the programs into fans!

  • http://www.rickyanderson.net Ricky Anderson

    If you actually are invited, this doesn't give you free reign to bring an unlimited quantity of your own guests.

    We had a family friend round up her neighbor's kids and bring them all to the reception.

    We had never met these kids, but they were happy to snub a $35/plate dinner.

    I'm so glad her dad paid for that and not me. I would have force-fed those snotty kids.

  • http://missionallendale.wordpress.com/ Joey Espinosa

    Regards to #5: I once threw a dinner roll at the groom as he and the bride were leaving the reception. Can't remember why, but I remember thinking it was funny. My wife disagreed.

  • http://www.alifeaboutme.com Andrea

    1. Keep the ceremony short. You won't be any less married if you have 1 song (or no songs) instead of 6. Just because you invited the guests, doesn't mean you get to torture them.

    I went to a wedding once where the bride was going to sing a (surprise) song to her groom, and the song happened to be 6+ minutes long. The pastor asked, "What's she singing, Free Bird?" We thought it was funny. The great Aunts did not.

  • nate

    speaking as a husband… #6 is gold.

    as a matter of fact, men would be wise to learn that the fewer opinions you form about anything at all, the better off your marriage will be.

    • http://www.joerob.com Joseph

      Yeah. I once heard a speaker at a conference tell the crowd: "Men, your future bride has been thinking about and planning her wedding day since she was a young lady. Wear what she says to wear, stand where she says to stand, do what she says to do. Women, your future husband has been thinking about and planning his wedding night since he was a young man…"

  • http://robshep.com rob shepherd

    Buy gifts off the registry. We had people go to stores that we registered at and then buy us random stuff. It wasn't easy taking it all back.

  • http://joshlafayette.com/blogs Josh LaFayette

    :'( I forgive you :'(

  • http://www.davepettengill.net DavePettengill

    If you are the best man you are not allowed to cuss out the groom right before the rehearsal because you got lost getting there…..yes this happened to me this past summer. We were running late and I had several groomsmen cars following me and He got stuck at a traffic light. He contacted me I gave him the address and He had a GPS…but that didn't stop him from dropping the Fbombs on me….yeah and He is my brother.

  • http://twitter.com/JCWert @JCWert

    OK…a little blowback on #3…my best friend bought us a custom engraved pocket knife with his wedding date on it and Barney Stinson's classic "The Bro Code" for our groomsmen gift. All of us in the wedding party didn't carry pocket knives…but years later we're all still carrying and using that knife.

    • Tyler Stanton

      Touché.tyler stanton

  • http://theadventuresofgabriella.blogspot.com/ gabriella

    this is awesome.

  • jayme

    Don't put registry information in your invitation. Is there a cost of admission!?

    • Michelle

      I disagree with this one. Everyone knows you're supposed to bring a gift to the wedding, so why not spend your money on something that's practical and useful to the couple rather than taking a shot in the dark and wasting their time and stress on having to return it?

      • jayme

        I didn't say "Don't register", but don't include registry information in the invitation as if a gift is required to attend. And while it's generally expected that you bring a gift, you shouldn't require it. How many times do you throw a party for yourself and require a gift/price of admission?

  • jayme

    You are a meanie head if you make us wait around between the ceremony and reception for a long time without something to eat or do. I don't care if you're taking pictures or driving around or making out. To make me sit there is not fun. Especially if I don't know alot of other people there. If there's a gap between ceremony time and reception time, at least make that clear in the invitation. Maybe I'll stop and grab a sandwich first.

  • http://www.douglasandersonphotography.com Douglas Anderson

    Well, said. I think my wife, the wedding photographer would also agree.

  • http://www.andreabrown.ca Andrea Brown

    Just because you have eight brothers and sisters doesn't mean I want to hear them all do a speech. I also don't want to watch a 20-minute slideshow. Just like the ceremony, the "stuff" of the reception should be kept brief!

  • http://www.evanforester.com EvanForester4

    Hire a photographer with a plan.
    I have been in several wedding parties and the worst thing ever is a photographer who is slow and can't decide on his/her next picture. On the flipside, one group had all the groomsmen shots done in less than 15 minutes. It was amazing.

    Also, if someone's wedding cake (ours) happens to be leaning, know that they did not do that on purpose. It was the cake company's fault. Also, don't repeatedly tell my new wife it might fall at any minute. Just saying, focus on the positive (the cake survived)

  • http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/ Sharideth Smith

    yeah, about the not criticizing the wedding…ours was December 19th and suddenly we were purposefully trying to make everyone's Christmas more stressful.

    it was really because we wanted to be away from the people who lives we were "making more stressful".

  • http://tylertarver.com tyler

    after i’ve been videoing a couple weddings, i’ve noticed the unwritten rule is for people to be talking casually and enjoying themselves, but when they notice you’re videoing them, they do this strange back bend thing and get out of the shot. Yeah, thanks for moving, i was really wanting to film that bland wall with the crappy plant instead of you.

    i’ve resolved to saying “freaking idiots” and walking off, or i just follow them everywhere and film right up to their face. it makes for fun when I’m editing later.

    • mattgates7

      If you follow them around, you should do a live narration the whole time Marlon Perkins-style. Maybe film from behind some potted plants to make it more jungle-y.

  • http://www.mayberryevents.com/ Mayberry

    Rule #1 should've been don't get married. But if you must, I certainly agree with the unnecessary awkwardness a non-invite could bring.

  • http://jonathanpettus.com JP

    I may or may not have been part of a group of guys that shoved handfuls of mulch down the groom's pants as he was leaving the reception. It became a rite of passage. As each of us got married, we each got mulched.

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  • ChuckTheGreat

    Grooms:  do not leave your wife to be at the rehearsal.  Make sure she has a ride to the dinner.  Even if your best man is a cop and you are getting to ride in his police car.    

  • gabriella

    I think there are now unwritten rules to do cool things at weddings. I think there have been trends recently (on wedding blogs and what-not) do to a lot of DIY projects and super artsy things. (OR having a choreographed dance like that time on The Office…)