Here is my ongoing list of things that frustrate me way more than they should. I’ll stop when I get to a million.
The Entrance Ambush (Store Edition)
The other day I walked into our local H.H. Gregg and was pounced on by at least three employees (it could’ve been more, but I couldn’t tell due to the fact I was cowering in self-defense). Am I finding everything I’m looking for? Really? This early in the game? Yes sir. I found the entrance. Thank you for your concern.
The Trick Question (Store Edition)
Cashier: Do you want to save 15%…?
Me: Of course. Who wouldn’t?
Cashier: …by becoming a preferred rewards member?
Me: Oh, no thanks.
Cashier: [Penetrating stare into my soul] It’s free.
Me: Free?
Cashier: Well, sort of. We’ll just add the cost of the membership to the gross purchase total and subtract the 15% that you’ll be saving from the pre-tax amount and you’ll end up saving eight cents today, which in this economy is a pretty good –
Me: There’s nothing I want less than to be a member.
Closed Self-Checkout Lines (Store Edition)
How are only two out of the six ever open? Please don’t try to explain why. I’m not open to understanding.
The Interview (Store Edition)
Hey Radio Shack, all I want to do is buy this freaking cord. It seems a little unnecessary (and a lot intrusive) for you to interrogate me with questions about my name, address*, email, phone number, height, weight, shoe size, what magazines I subscribe to, religious beliefs, history of illness, favorite hockey team, cable provider, and what I got for my fourteenth birthday.
Sleeping on the top bunk when you’re 28 (Retreat Edition)
When I was ten, I would tell you, without hesitation, that sleeping on the top bunk was the best part about my life. I was the king of the room, with my little peasant brother sleeping on the ground level with all the other peasants. Now, though, all I can think about is how to get down without tearing my ACL or shattering my heel.
Using another guy’s towel (Retreat Edition)
There isn’t much worse than waking up, walking barefoot across the slimy bathroom floor, and then realizing you forgot to pack a towel. Oh wait, yes there is. It’s when you sneak back in the room and snatch someone else’s towel and spend thirty minutes patting yourself dry because you aren’t sure which part he used to dry off his middle third.
Instant coffee (Retreat Edition)
Hey retreat centers, I think I speak for all of us when I say it’s time to pony up a few more dollars a month for some real coffee – doesn’t have to be Starbucks, but shouldn’t be Discount Neil’s Big Bag-o-Syrup either. The least you could do is leave some coffee beans out for me to suck on throughout the day.
Retreating from technology (Retreat Edition)
I understand the sentiment, I really do. But what you might not understand is that, for me, “getting away” always involves wireless access and a couple episodes of Arrested Development. What’s that? You want to go hiking and then sit in the dewy grass for a while? I would, but that building over there has air conditioning and chairs.
“Awk…ward”
When you’re in the middle of an awkward situation and you say that (you know, the high-pitched, brow-raised “awk….ward”), you’ve successfully made the situation 35x worse. Let’s just let the awkward silence play out – it’s better that way.
Touching My Screen
We’ve all been around the guy who really wants to show us something on the computer. Instead of simply pointing to the link he wants me to click, he stabs my screen with his index finger with a force that could pierce skin. It’s not really the smudges that get me – it’s the permanent rainbow-colored bruise on the center of my screen that will last until the end of time.
Buying Printer Ink
I would rather my computer literally spit in my face than have it warn me that my printer ink is running low. It’s the second worst warning that it can give me behind “An unexpected error occurred and your hard drive has exploded internally and is melting onto the motherboard as we speak (-1014).” There really is no feeling like spending $29.97 on an ink cartridge that will barely last last long enough to print a 13-page document.
Finishing Sentences Incorrectly
Dear sentence finisher, please know me well if you’re going to take on the task of finishing my sentences for me. You’re great and all, but we’ve had one too many of these conversations:
Me: So there I was, right in the middle of this–
Sentence Finisher: Hotel room?
Me: [Pause] No… Walgreens. So I’m in Walgreens, and I run into–
SF: The animal cracker display? And they all crashed to the ground and went everywhere?
Me: No. [Gathering myself]. No, I ran into Darren from my old neighborhood. Anyw–
SF: Anyway…
Me: Nevermind.
SF: What?
Announcing Sadness
I don’t feel like I should have to be the one to tell you this, but there are a variety of wonderful ways to express sadness. It seems though, that in recent years, exclaiming “Awww… sad” has surpassed crying, frowning, and lip-quivering as the standard form of communicating sorrow. I don’t know how we end it, but I’m determined to find out.
Partial Payback
Bro, either pay me back or don’t. If you owe me $20, don’t give me a ten spot and tell me the other half is “on the way”. I’d rather you had just kept your $10 and avoided me for the next two years. Oh, and when you owe me money, don’t tell me about the awesome new iPod you just got. Believe it or not, I’m not happy for you.
Ashton CoolPix Commercials
Who’s idea was this? I would rather watch a commercial about feminine hygiene products than sit through Ashton’s failed attempts to be seductively funny (that is what he’s trying to do, isn’t it?).
Bathroom Booth
Why do they even put booths this close to the bathroom? Contrary to popular belief, I’d rather dress my salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette than the dense stench of urinal cakes and number twos. Oh, and that door is meant to be a barrier, not a wafting mechanism.
Rewards Card Solicitations
Cashier: Would you like to not be an idiot and save 15% of your hard-earned cash by purchasing one these tiny, convenient rewards cards, which is what every smart, responsible person on earth would do in your shoes? Right now you’re saving 0% and would be the laughing stock of this entire store – seriously, we’ll make fun of you for at least the next 8 months – if you decided not to get this. Will you be paying for it with cash or credit?
Me: Wait, how much?
Cashier: Twenty-five dollars.
Me: Twenty-five dollars to save eighty cents?
Cashier: It will make much more financial sense next January, I promise.
“I need a couple of strong backs”
Does anyone else scan the room when they hear this, hoping there are two or three “stronger backs” in the mix? This is the one time in life that you want to be perceived as weak. I have gone into a full-on debate with my brothers as to how much stronger they are than me (even throwing out bench press numbers) while my grandmother moved the sleeper sofa upstairs by herself.
Escalator Handrails Faster than Escalator Stairs
I feel like the handrail guys and stair guys should be on the same page by now. Why can’t they get in sync? Is it a scientific impossibility? Or do they do it on purpose and just sit in the food court watching us, laughing at those of us who, instead of merely changing hand position, arrive at the top at a 45° angle with our head resting on some random dude’s lower back.
Hug Slaps
There are people in my life that use the hug as an opportunity to punish. I’m not sure what I did wrong in our last encounter, but is the open-palm lower back slap communicating what you think it’s communicating? Once I’ve identified the hug slappers in my circle of friends, I make it a point to implement an across-the-room hello-shout next time we hang out. What? You’re in the middle of an important conversation? Doesn’t matter. Nothing could be more important than us establishing a verbal greeting into our relationship.
Phone Guilt Trips
If I had a nickel for every time I heard “Tyler never answers his phone” or “Tyler is the worst at calling people back”, I’d have a butt load of nickels. While it may very well be true, I don’t need the pressure of feeling like our relationship hinges on the promptness of my callback. And Gary, how would you like it if I said “Gary is the worst at tennis” or “Gary never loses weight” in a group of people?
Wearing Without Washing
I got some new shirts last week and, in my excitement, wore them without the ceremonial first wash. Not only do they have that deformation on the chest where the Medium sticker was, but they smell terrible. What is that, Old Spice? No…Sears.
Splitting Bills
I can’t even enjoy eating with friends. While the rest of them are absorbed in conversation and laughter, I’m stressing out over the upcoming bill split.
My Thoughts: Alright, how is this going to work? I ordered the cheese dip, but everyone ate it. Is that on me? Can you split a cheese dip 8 ways? What about tip? You think she’ll include it? I bet she will. Oh crap. Neil is here. He never has enough. He’s going to ask me to spot him, I just know it. Then he’ll try to pay me back with a burned CD or something. Why can’t you just bring enough cash, Neil? Why are you so awful? You do this over, and over, and-
Friend: -Right, Tyler? Wait, are you OK?
Me: What? Me? Yeah…I’m cool.
Friend: Why are you crying?
Bad Beard Lines
I’m thinking about going on a speaking tour, specifically to educate young men on the appropriate crafting of a beard. Don’t get me wrong. I understand what happens. You look in the mirror and, straight on, it all checks out. But you fail to give a side glance – you must look at your profile! It’s never OK to make the beard’s base line above the face’s jaw line. I write this equation on my mirror as a reminder during beard season:
BEARD LINE < JAW LINE
Forgetting to Change the Radio Station
I have a tendency to zone out while I’m driving. Sometimes when I come to, I’ll find that I’ve been passionately singing along with whatever is currently on the radio. I don’t know what it is, but 4 out of every 5 times this happens, I’m jamming with Beyonce to the chorus of Single Ladies. I hate that song.
Zunes
Come on, Microsoft. It’s time. Is this really a battle you’re willing to fight? Even Zune owners refer to it as their “iPod”. They’re embarrassed to have the words “my Zune” come off their lips. I got a little embarrassed just typing it.
The Word “Factoid”
Is the word “fact” insufficient? Does making it sound like it’s from outer space really enhance its meaning?
Describing what someone looks like
I’m totally incompetent here. This is every conversation I have where I’m asked what someone looks like:
Me: Do you know Derek?
Friend: Which one is he again?
Me: He’s the really funny one.
Friend: No, what does he look like?
Me: [Already defeated] Oh. Um, brownish-blondish hair… average height… thin-ish, but not really…
Friend: Ok. You’re describing almost every person I’ve ever seen.
Me: Did I mention he has feet? He puts shoes on them..
Calling teams Mine
How many people heard this on Tuesday? Dude, did you see my Tar Heels last night? My boy Hansbrough dominated! People who say that also play fantasy sports and paint their bodies at games.
Accidental hand brush (between men)
This will happen. The key here is how you react. You don’t want to make a huge deal of it. Just make a slight adjustment in your walking course. If it happens again though, eye contact with an awkward joke is most definitely required. More times than that? You’re on your own. Last week, it happened four times in less than a mile with my friend Aaron. We’re still recovering.
Bad seat at table
If you’re going out to eat with a group of eight or more, claiming the right seat is key. Your entire success is determined during the walk to the table. You’re going to want to jockey for position (don’t make it obvious!) next to the person that will provide the best conversation/entertainment. Do whatever it takes. Never stop by the bathroom on the way to the table. If you do, you’re going to be talking to that weird dude about politics all night. Ultimate backfire: Claiming that prized middle seat and ending up between two thriving conversations, invited into neither.
Ending a phone conversation
I’ve tried to turn this peeve into a one-person game. How many goodbye variants can I fit into the closing of a conversation? Almost every exchange has about four (I’ll see you soon…ok, talk to you later…uh huh, see ya…bye-bye), so you’re going to need to bump it up to five or six to really be a competitor.
Hug/Handshake Mixups
Closely akin to the high-five/fist pound mixup. You haven’t seen your friend for a while and because of that, you’re totally out of sync. The inevitable happens. You go in for the handshake (afterall, you’re not that great of friends) and he opens wide for the hug. Then, like clockwork, both of you switch, only to be in the very same predicament. There is no clean way out of this.
Bent book covers
I just bought a brand new book the other day. There’s just something I love about a fresh, mint condition book. My 1.5 year old thought the book would be more fun to play with than any of his 9.7 million toys. The cover is now bent completely in half. I would rather throw it away than continue reading it. It’s just so…bent. Ugh. How shallow am I?
Blue Toothers
This is an obvious choice. Nevermind the fact that you can’t ever tell if the blue-toother is talking to you or the person on the phone. We’ve all been peeved by that for years. What about the fact that he never takes it off…ever. It doesn’t matter if he’s at a funeral or swimming laps. Is there some sort of super-adhesive on those that I don’t know about? Are they like tattoos?
Tip Jar at Starbucks
Is this necessary? I just spent half a mortgage payment on this latte. Are you really asking me for more money?
Post Oil Change Conversation
You know this conversation is coming. You sit there and think about it while you’re waiting – rehearsing what you’re going to say, how this time you’re going to hold fast. But, as expected, the mechanic comes and sits down beside you. Holding your dirty air filter as his persuasive prop of choice, he locks eyes with you (with those trusting blue eyes), puts his dirty arm around you, and lists all of the car’s other dire needs. You cave, crumble up your “$18.99 Oil Change” coupon, pay him $96, and go on your merry way…again.
Substituting a “k” for a “c” or a “z” for an “s”
I passed a car wash today called Klean Karz…no lie. It was as though the owner is a secret nemesis of mine and started this business just to spite me.
Adult baby talk
Some people can’t help themselves. I understand that. But it really chaps me when adults ask my son a question (in a baby voice) that is obviously directed at me: “Bay, what’s Daddy finkin bout the cuwent economic cwisis?”
Calling adolescents “teens”
This one is absurd, I know. But if I had a nickel for every time someone informed me about a teen conference that is for teens and their teen friends that will be hosting teen experts and giving away Extreme Teen Bibles…I’d have close to 25 cents.
Papyrus font
Or what I like to call “the official overused church and/or independent coffee shop font”.
Closing eyes while talking
This is where someone starts talking, and during the first six words of the sentence, it looks like they’re trying to get their eyelids to come unglued from one another.
Misplaced quotations
This is a paradox for me. While it is one of my biggest pet peeves, it is also one of my greatest sources of entertainment.
Presidential interruptions
Come on, Mr. President! Ever heard of Biggest Loser? Tonight was the emotional episode! Bob cried! Now I have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens with the weigh-in. Apparently something’s going on with the economy. Who knew?
Subscribe to this feed
