Pre-Dice-Roll Rituals
If I have to spend one more second watching you blow on the dice or shake them vigorously for eight seconds prior to your roll, I might just stab myself with this mini-pencil I’m using to keep score. I’m not sure which is more absurd – the ritual itself, or the fact that you actually believe it works.

Pennies
If someone offered me “a penny for my thoughts”, I would most certainly decline. Besides the fact that I think my thoughts are worth more than that (somewhere in the dime range), offering me a penny is like offering me an empty Arby’s cup – you’re essentially asking me to throw away your trash.

The Huncher
This occurs when someone has to walk between you and something you’re watching. It started as an innocent bend-over to prevent any obstruction to your line of sight, but now it’s just gotten out of hand. Even if there is a 100% chance he will be in your way, he’ll still bend over and shuffle past you. Is this an easier alternative to “Excuse me”?

Hockey Highlights
To me, the worst part of SportsCenter has always been the hockey segment. I honestly don’t think I’d notice if they played the same highlight seven consecutive times, passing it off as different games. The only things more irritating than these initial highlights are the in-depth Barry Melrose reports and the times a hockey highlight gets the #1 spot on Top Plays.

Hazards in the Rain
You know what enables me to see you in the rain? Your headlights, tail lights, and 2000 lb. car. So, unless someone’s getting a vasectomy in the back seat or you’re parking in the fire lane while returning a DVD to Redbox, keep your hands off the hazards button.

Looking at the above list, I bet it’s hard to be friends with me.

What about you? Any peeves we need to know about?
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Being sick the past couple days has resulted in me watching an absurd amount of football. I think taking in such a concentrated amount in such a short amount of time has greatly intensified my disgust for certain aspects of the sport. See if you agree…

Bowl Names
I think I’d rather have a 3-7 season than go to one of the following (real) bowls:  Advocare V100 Independence Bowl, R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, Papajohns.com Bowl, or the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. Where is this going? “Hey, did you see The Nagano Hibachi Steakhouse and Sushi Bar First Half?” “No, my car battery died. I barely made it back for the Smoothie King Field Goal at the end of The You-Can-Do-It-We-Can-Help-Home-Depot Overtime.”

Post-tackle Body Spasm
This typically occurs directly after a defensive player sacks the quarterback. He gets up from the ground as fast as he can, sprints about seven feet away, and unleashes a body spasm so embarrassing that people send condolences to his family. Either that or he beats the crap out of his own chest to remind everyone that he was responsible for what just happened, or he nods his head so aggressively you’d think someone just asked him if he thinks highly of himself.

No Yellow Line
The yellow first down line is the single greatest innovation in sports history. Why would a network purposefully choose to not use it? Is it money? If it’s a money issue, let me offer a suggestion. We’d rather you black out the entire second quarter of the game to play freecreditreport.com commercials if it means we get the yellow line the rest of the game. Never compromise on this again.

Halftime Interview
Come on, Networks. I get what you’re trying to do here, but is this really necessary? I don’t think a single profound word has ever been spoken in one of these interviews. I think the coaches do it on purpose so they’ll eventually stop having to do them.

Reporter: Coach, tell us… What are your thoughts on the first half?
Coach: (annoyed) Well, we need to do a little better offensively…and, um, defensively.
Reporter: Fascinating. Back to you guys in the booth.
Booth Commentator 1: He tells it like it is, doesn’t he?
Booth Commentator 2: Straight shooter!

Thoughts? What do you hate, if anything, about fútbol americano? Nate Rector and Bryan Allain – I expect you two to have a lot to say about this.
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“I’m Just Sayin”
This is a distant cousin of “bless her heart”. I believe the thought process is this: As long as I slap this phrase on at the end, I can say whatever brutally honest and cutting statement I want without any repercussions. Well let me set the record straight. You just said it, and yet I’m still really bothered by what you said about the “enormity” of my Adam’s Apple. I’m just sayin.

Sticky Menu
I always thought the stickiness was from the last person’s food. But 96% of the restaurants I’ve ever been to have the same policy – waiters (almost forcefully) collect the menus as soon as you’re done ordering. So…why is this menu sticky? Is something– Wait. Never mind. I’d rather not know.

“TMI”
No commentary needed. Let’s all vow to never say this again.

Really Hidden Keys
If you think you’ve found the perfect hiding spot when hiding a key, you have. Not even you will be able to find it. Doesn’t matter if it’s raining really hard or if there’s something really important inside that you need to get. You won’t be able to. The hiding spot was too perfect.

Reply All
Hmmm. All I want to do is congratulate Derek for keeping his mass email update under 1000 words (and for breaking it up into paragraphs). Should I just reply, or reply all? I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I mean, if I reply to him only, he might not comprehend how proud I really am. And doesn’t Susan also want to know (and Kevin and Rick and Jason and 91 others)? Of course! It would be a crime to keep this between me and Derek. Reply All it is!!

Your turn. I haven’t provided the Pet Peeves platform in awhile, so I know that you’ve got some building up.

For my comprehensive list of peeves, click here, or on the A Million Peeves link above.
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The Entrance Ambush
The other day I walked into our local H.H. Gregg and was pounced on by at least three employees (it could’ve been more, but I couldn’t tell due to the fact I was cowering in self-defense). Am I finding everything I’m looking for? Really? This early in the game? Yes sir. I found the entrance. Thank you for your concern.

The Trick Question

Cashier: Do you want to save 15%…?
Me: Of course. Who wouldn’t?
Cashier: …by becoming a preferred rewards member?
Me: Oh, no thanks.
Cashier: [Penetrating stare into my soul] It’s free.
Me: Free?
Cashier: Well, sort of. We’ll just add the cost of the membership to the gross purchase total and subtract the 15% that you’ll be saving from the pre-tax amount and you’ll end up saving eight cents today, which in this economy is a pretty good –
Me: There’s nothing I want less than to be a member.

Closed Self-Checkout Lines
How are only two out of the six ever open? Please don’t try to explain why. I’m not open to understanding.

The Interview
Hey Radio Shack, all I want to do is buy this freaking cord. It seems a little unnecessary (and a lot intrusive) for you to interrogate me with questions about my name, address*, email, phone number, height, weight, shoe size, what magazines I subscribe to, religious beliefs, history of illness, favorite hockey team, cable provider, and what I got for my fourteenth birthday.

Your turn. What bothers you about stores?

Oh, and for more store grievances, check out my post about The Burdens of Shopping for Less and 4 Horrible Things About the Mall.

*If the store we’re in is in the same city that I live in, don’t wait for me to tell you the zip code. I won’t do it. It’s a matter of principal.
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I was on a Young Life staff retreat for the last 36 hours at a camp up in Jasper, Georgia. It was a great 36 hours, but even the best retreats have their share of misfortunes.

Sleeping on the top bunk when you’re 28
When I was ten, I would tell you, without hesitation, that sleeping on the top bunk was the best part about my life. I was the king of the room, with my little peasant brother sleeping on the ground level with all the other peasants. Now, though, all I can think about is how to get down without tearing my ACL or shattering my heel.

Using another guy’s towel
There isn’t much worse than waking up, walking barefoot across the slimy bathroom floor, and then realizing you forgot to pack a towel. Oh wait, yes there is. It’s when you sneak back in the room and snatch someone else’s towel and spend thirty minutes patting yourself dry because you aren’t sure which part he used to dry off his middle third.

Instant coffee
Hey retreat centers, I think I speak for all of us when I say it’s time to pony up a few more dollars a month for some real coffee – doesn’t have to be Starbucks, but shouldn’t be Discount Neil’s Big Bag-o-Syrup either. The least you could do is leave some coffee beans out for me to suck on throughout the day.

Retreating from technology
I understand the sentiment, I really do. But what you might not understand is that, for me, “getting away” always involves wireless access and a couple episodes of Arrested Development. What’s that? You want to go hiking and then sit in the dewy grass for a while? I would, but that building over there has air conditioning and chairs.

You’ve been on retreats. What bothers you?
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“Awk…ward”
When you’re in the middle of an awkward situation and you say that (you know, the high-pitched, brow-raised “awk….ward”), you’ve successfully made the situation 35x worse. Let’s just let the awkward silence play out – it’s better that way.

Touching My Screen
We’ve all been around the guy who really wants to show us something on the computer. Instead of simply pointing to the link he wants me to click, he stabs my screen with his index finger with a force that could pierce skin. It’s not really the smudges that get me – it’s the permanent rainbow-colored bruise on the center of my screen that will last until the end of time.

Buying Printer Ink
I would rather my computer literally spit in my face than have it warn me that my printer ink is running low. It’s the second worst warning that it can give me behind “An unexpected error occurred and your hard drive has exploded internally and is melting onto the motherboard as we speak (-1014).” There really is no feeling like spending $29.97 on an ink cartridge that will barely last last long enough to print a 13-page document.

Finishing Sentences Incorrectly
Dear sentence finisher, please know me well if you’re going to take on the task of finishing my sentences for me. You’re great and all, but we’ve had one too many of these conversations:

Me: So there I was, right in the middle of this–
Sentence Finisher: Hotel room?
Me: [Pause] No… Walgreens. So I’m in Walgreens, and I run into–
SF: The animal cracker display? And they all crashed to the ground and went everywhere?
Me: No. [Gathering myself]. No, I ran into Darren from my old neighborhood. Anyw–
SF: Anyway…
Me: Nevermind.
SF: What?

Announcing Sadness
I don’t feel like I should have to be the one to tell you this, but there are a variety of wonderful ways to express sadness. It seems though, that in recent years, exclaiming “Awww… sad” has surpassed crying, frowning, and lip-quivering as the standard form of communicating sorrow. I don’t know how we end it, but I’m determined to find out.

What’s bothering you?
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