68. Expert Poker Player
I’m not bothered by the fact that he is good. I’m bothered by the fact he wants everyone to know how good he is. You know the guy. He’s the one who makes sure you know he can shuffle better than you. He’s the guy who knows that a straight beats a three-of-a-kind. He’s the guy hell-bent on fitting all the poker lingo he knows into table conversation. And he is the main reason I don’t play poker.

69. Answering Machine Fake Out
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen for this:

Neil: Hello?
Me: Hey man.
Neil: Hey, what’s up?
Me: Nothing much. Listen man, I got these incredible tickets to the Braves game tonight – box seats! – and I was thinking that since you and I are such great friends, maybe you’d want to–
Neil: Hahaha! Just kidding. Leave a message.
[Beep]
Me: (pause) Um…Gary and I are going to the Braves game tonight. Watch for us on TV.

Word of advice if you’re still doing this: You’re the only one who thinks this is funny. The caller is too busy disliking you to laugh.

70. Too Many Tweets
If you’re currently wondering if I’m talking about you, chances are I am. No one person should occupy 90% of my Twitter feed real estate. Just remember the old Twitter adage: A few tweets a day, the reader will stay. Tweet too much, the reader will begin thinking of ways to morally justify doing irreparable harm to your fingers…and will unfollow you.

71. Early Order Ask
I love me some Chick-fil-A, but they are the earliest order askers in the industry. What would I like? Really? Already? Um, I’d like to get my entire body through the doorway to begin with. Then I’d like to be able to look at the menu without your smiling eyes piercing my soul, politely demanding that I hurry up and order.

What trivial things are bothering you? And, I’d love to hear some more Twitter adages about tweeting too much. I’ll make a post out of the best ones…and give you the greatest prize of all – credit!

For more in this sad series of Peeves, click here.
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko

You know you have too many peeves when you have to start spending a few seconds deciphering the Roman numerals. To the best of my knowledge, “XIV” means that this is the fourteenth episode. Here are a few more that chip away at my life.

64. The Early Bus*
I’ve never been a waiter, so there’s a good chance I’ll get reamed for this. But I’d like to propose a cute little rhyme that every waiter everywhere must learn. It goes like this: “If they’ve already paid, bus away. If they’re still sitting down, don’t you dare start bussing the freaking table as though they’re an inconvenience to you, you selfish jerk.”

65. Poor-Timed Movie Opinion
Bro, it’s cool if you didn’t like the movie. Just try using some discretion when telling me it wasn’t that good. Here’s a hint: When I have popcorn in hand and see you in the lobby on my way to go sit down – not an appropriate time. Are you trying to stop me from seeing it? Are you trying to get me to appreciate the sophistication of your criticism? What is your end goal here?

66. HGTV Hosts’ Biceps
I can hardly watch home renovation shows anymore. The biceps are too large. And not like a I’m-kind-of-jealous-of-the-way-your-arms-look kind of large. More of a Your-biceps-have-surpassed-your-thighs-and-are-now-competing-with-the-girth-of-your-torso kind of large. I feel like I’m watching aliens build cabinets. Not my idea of entertainment.

67. ‘Rents
I don’t think people who say “I’m hanging out with the ‘rents this weekend” know how this makes them sound. It’s disrespectful, in my opinion. Can we not spare the extra time and energy it takes to put par- at the beginning? After all they’ve done for us?

Feels good to get that off my chest. Anything bothering you?

Click here for more in the Million Peeves series.

*I thought “bussing” tables was “busting” tables. Fortunately, my readers are comfortable enough to let me know how much of an idiot that makes me. Thanks guys!
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko

59. “To make a long story short”
This is typically inserted into the end of a story that has already gone way too long. I got news for you pal – David Blaine couldn’t make your long story short. The damage has already been done.

60. Puppet Commercials
Every time I see a Lebron James or Kobe Bryant puppet commercial come on TV, I die a little inside. And if I’m dying inside, just imagine how Lil’ Penny must feel. Someone should really tell Nike that puppet charactures ruin careers. Speaking of, has anyone thought about Anfernee Hardaway since 1998? What is he doing now?

61. Pompous Waiters
Hey Lanier (that’s always his name), don’t scoff at me for not knowing what vegetable escabeche is. It’s your job to know, not mine. Oh, and you should know that I’m basing your tip on a complex algorithm I came up with that factors in how quickly you can explain it to me, whether or not a seven-year-old understand it, your height, and your facial expression when I ask for the silverware I didn’t get. It usually comes out to be around 20%.

62. Covered Back Tire
I would rather drive a PT Cruiser than have a car that has the half-covered back tire. You know what I’m talking about. Instead of the car’s paneling arching around the back tire, it has decided to sprint straight across to the back bumper. This “feature” is usually reserved for Oldsmobiles and Buicks.

63. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”
Dudes say this after something awesome happens, even though they haven’t spoken or “talked about” anything. Where did this come from? I guess the phrase’s originator just got bored with the typical expressions of joy (I kind of don’t blame him).

I’d love to hear what’s annoying you these days. It will help me feel less shallow.

For more of the million peeves, click here.
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko

54. Pre-Dice-Roll Rituals
If I have to spend one more second watching you blow on the dice or shake them vigorously for eight seconds prior to your roll, I might just stab myself with this mini-pencil I’m using to keep score. I’m not sure which is more absurd – the ritual itself, or the fact that you actually believe it works.

55. Pennies
If someone offered me “a penny for my thoughts”, I would most certainly decline. Besides the fact that I think my thoughts are worth more than that (somewhere in the dime range), offering me a penny is like offering me an empty Arby’s cup – you’re essentially asking me to throw away your trash.

56. The Huncher
This occurs when someone has to walk between you and something you’re watching. It started as an innocent bend-over to prevent any obstruction to your line of sight, but now it’s just gotten out of hand. Even if there is a 100% chance he will be in your way, he’ll still bend over and shuffle past you. Is this an easier alternative to “Excuse me”?

57. Hockey Highlights
To me, the worst part of SportsCenter has always been the hockey segment. I honestly don’t think I’d notice if they played the same highlight seven consecutive times, passing it off as different games. The only things more irritating than these initial highlights are the in-depth Barry Melrose reports and the times a hockey highlight gets the #1 spot on Top Plays.

58. Hazards in the Rain
You know what enables me to see you in the rain? Your headlights, tail lights, and 2000 lb. car. So, unless someone’s getting a vasectomy in the back seat or you’re parking in the fire lane while returning a DVD to Redbox, keep your hands off the hazards button.

Looking at the above list, I bet it’s hard to be friends with me.

What about you? Any peeves we need to know about?
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Being sick the past couple days has resulted in me watching an absurd amount of football. I think taking in such a concentrated amount in such a short amount of time has greatly intensified my disgust for certain aspects of the sport. See if you agree…

50. Bowl Names
I think I’d rather have a 3-7 season than go to one of the following (real) bowls:  Advocare V100 Independence Bowl, R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, Papajohns.com Bowl, or the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. Where is this going? “Hey, did you see The Nagano Hibachi Steakhouse and Sushi Bar First Half?” “No, my car battery died. I barely made it back for the Smoothie King Field Goal at the end of The You-Can-Do-It-We-Can-Help-Home-Depot Overtime.”

51. Post-tackle Body Spasm
This typically occurs directly after a defensive player sacks the quarterback. He gets up from the ground as fast as he can, sprints about seven feet away, and unleashes a body spasm so embarrassing that people send condolences to his family. Either that or he beats the crap out of his own chest to remind everyone that he was responsible for what just happened, or he nods his head so aggressively you’d think someone just asked him if he thinks highly of himself.

52. No Yellow Line
The yellow first down line is the single greatest innovation in sports history. Why would a network purposefully choose to not use it? Is it money? If it’s a money issue, let me offer a suggestion. We’d rather you black out the entire second quarter of the game to play freecreditreport.com commercials if it means we get the yellow line the rest of the game. Never compromise on this again.

53. Halftime Interview
Come on, Networks. I get what you’re trying to do here, but is this really necessary? I don’t think a single profound word has ever been spoken in one of these interviews. I think the coaches do it on purpose so they’ll eventually stop having to do them.

Reporter: Coach, tell us… What are your thoughts on the first half?
Coach: (annoyed) Well, we need to do a little better offensively…and, um, defensively.
Reporter: Fascinating. Back to you guys in the booth.
Booth Commentator 1: He tells it like it is, doesn’t he?
Booth Commentator 2: Straight shooter!

Thoughts? What do you hate, if anything, about fútbol americano? Nate Rector and Bryan Allain – I expect you two to have a lot to say about this.
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