tylerstanton.com » A Million Peeves

Pet Peeves XIX

Tyler Stanton — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 15:00:24 +0000

86. Shaking Hands with Someone Who Has Lotion Hands
You know who you are, guy. We don’t like it. Much like the Hug Slapper, you’ve left us no choice but to greet you from across the room from now on.

87. Saving multiple seats
Saving one seat is fine, but if it’s going to involve a jacket, keys, a couple scraps of paper, and at least one outstretched leg, we’re going to have problems. I’m looking at you, movie theater friends.

88. Using emoticons that I can’t decipher
I’m not that busy of a person. But even I don’t have the extra thirteen minutes it’s going to take to decipher what that uppercase “J” means at the end of your email. And while we’re on the subject, can we ban the tongue-exposed, uppercase “P” as well (especially between males)?

89. Order interrogations
This is an actual conversation I had recently at a movie theater:

Would you like to try a pizza?
Of course not.
What can I get for you?
Medium popcorn.
Upsize for a dollar more?
No.
Do you have a Regal club card?
No.
Butter on that popcorn?
No.
Would you like your receipt?
No.

Look guy, deciding to see Something Borrowed by myself was difficult enough. Please don’t force me to make six more decisions before I can touch my popcorn. That’s really the only reason I came.

What’s bothering you these days? Let us know in the comments.

For the first 80+ peeves, click here.

Pet Peeves XVIII

Tyler Stanton — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 14:09:25 +0000

82. The Perpetual Guitar Player
If there’s a guitar anywhere in the room, this guy will be playing it in about 8 seconds. Doesn’t matter the context or level of potential awkwardness – he’s getting a few riffs of Arms Wide Open in, and no one’s stopping him. And it’s not that he’s all that good either. He just can’t stand the two of them being in such close proximity without embracing.

83. Oversized Polo Logo Shirts
Excuse me. I mean Big Pony Polos. It looks like Ralph Lauren lost a bet to the president of Hollister, didn’t have the money to pay, and surrendered design rights to a line of summer polos instead. If you’re wearing one of these and you’re older than 15, I suggest you remove it (along with your shell necklace) and wear literally anything else instead.

84. Chris Harrison’s Last Rose Announcement
Every single episode, he comes out to remind Ashley and the “fellas” that there is only one rose left. Chris, no one has ever been more aware of anything than these remaining contestants are of the existing rose count. I bet he also spends the majority of his own birthday party reminding people that it’s his birthday and his name is Chris.

85. TwitLonger
A service that enables people to ignore Twitter’s alloted 140 characters? No thank you. I’d rather wear Big Pony Polos for the remainder of the summer than click on that link to read those last two words you just couldn’t manage to squeeze in.

What about you? What’s bothering you these days? Remember – this is a safe place. We’re all just as shallow.

To read more in my quest for a million peeves, click here.

Pet Peeves: Computer Edition (and Goals)

Tyler Stanton — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 14:55:05 +0000

Today’s guest post is over at Ricky Anderson’s blog. Ricky played a major part in getting my book converted to the Kindle format, so the eight or nine of you who bought it have him to thank.

Ricky is a network administrator. When he asked me to guest post, I knew it was the perfect time to unleash some of the computer-related pet peeves I’ve had brewing for a while. Things like “double-clicking links” and “typing in the http://”. You know, really important stuff.

Head on over to Ricky’s blog to read the rest. I know you’ve got some of your own, so leave a comment while your there.
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One year ago today, I shared some goals for the upcoming year. For those of you keeping score at home, here’s how I did:

+ Produce 2 eBooks – Fail. Didn’t even produce one eBook. I do have one in the works, but I don’t even know if 2011 is realistic.

+ Post 5 times per week – Fail. I posted about 4 times per week on average.

+ Create a weekly video segment – Win-ish. I created the 5 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked series, but it certainly wasn’t every week. By the way, season two is coming soon. I’ll tell you more about it later…

+ Increase the number of RSS subscribers from 128 to 500 – Win. I’m currently at 672.

+ Be more intentional about responding to comments – Win…I think. I haven’t responded to every comment, but I really have tried to interact more in the comments section.

+ Make $300/month from this blog – Fail.

+ Guest post on 6 different blogs – Win.

+ Sell 1000 copies of my book, Everyday Absurdities – Fail. Right now, I’ve sold 717.

+ Run 500 miles, including 2 half marathons – Win. I ended up running 4 half marathons, with another coming up in March (Galloway method baby).

+ Become a more educated wine consumer – Fail.

+ Take 2 acting classes – Fail.

+ Wake up at 6am every morning – Ha! Fail.

+ Create a video with over 1,000,000 views – Win. High Five Etiquette. Half a million on YouTube, and another half on a bunch of other sites. Things You Can’t Do When You’re Not a Dog might have made it too.

+ Land role in a national commercial – Fail.

+ Start and complete P90X at some point – Fail. I started it twice, but never finished.

+ Read 1 fiction book per month – Fail. I think I read about 6 fiction books…so one every two months.

+ Cook a meal for my family once a week – Fail. I did this once. Barbecue chicken pizza from scratch. It tasted like sandpaper dipped in ketchup.

Wow. That’s a lot of fails. No worries though. The wins are motivation enough to do it again.

Now, go leave a comment on Ricky’s blog for the love.

Pet Peeves XVII

Tyler Stanton — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 14:36:47 +0000

Don’t forget about the Kindle/PDF Contest. Over $500 in prizes. Almost a guaranteed win. Click here to find out more.

77. Purchase Justification
Out of all the awful things I do, this might be the worst. I do it in almost every area of my life, as though I’m not allowed to have nice things without some caveat. Here’s how it usually goes down:

Neil: Hey man. Nice jeans.
Me: Thirty-nine dollars.
Neil: What?
Me: It’s just that– well, they’re usually eighty.
Neil: Oh. Neat?
Me: I just figured, you know, I don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on suits and ties like most people, so it just makes sense when you think about it.
Neil: I’m not thinking about it.
Me: Did I mention I paid with cash?

78. Multiple-Step Unsubscribing
Here’s a tip: If you want to guarantee that I never unsubscribe to your email newsletter updates, create multiple steps to unsubscribe. The absolute last page on the entire Internet that I want to visit is your site’s email notification preference pane. It’s both horrible and genius at the same time.

79. WHAAAT?!?!
At what point did athletes start shouting this after doing something awesome? No! No one said anything to you, LeBron. Plus, you shouldn’t be paying attention to what others are saying anyway. You should be concentrating on the game. That’s NBA 101. Next time stick with a double fist pump and something more exclamatory, like “Jackpot!”

80. <10% Full Cereal Box
If I remove a box of cereal from my cabinet that weighs less than a mitten, it might as well not be there. There’s no less satisfying way to start my day than consuming a 25%-full bowl covered in cereal dust. Speaking of…

81. Poorly-Opened Cereal Box
Admittedly, I have a mild case of OCD. If you really want to see it flare up, just haphazardly open a box of Golden Grahams in my presence. A ripped box tab or frayed bag opening causes a brief spike in heart rate and an insatiable need to throw something against a wall. Once I regain my composure, Ol’ Frayed Tab is then treated like the aforementioned <10% full variety and ignored for the remainder of its shelf life.*

What’s bothering you? Don’t worry. This is a safe place. We’re all just as shallow.

* I think it is clear to see that I have a mild cereal problem. It’s an issue I’m working on, but I’m still in stage 2. All I ask is that you give me some time to work through it.

Pet Peeves XVI

Tyler Stanton — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 14:04:00 +0000

72. Cutie Patootie
Unless it’s 1998 and I’m watching The Rosie O’Donnell Show after school (which, shamefully, I did on a regular basis), I should never hear this expression. Just say it real quick. Seriously…say it. How wrong did that feel?

73. More Than 10 Items in the “10 Items or Less” Line
Nothing matters more to the people behind you in this line than your strict obedience to the 10 item limit. You may think that the extra pack of gum you grabbed during checkout is no big deal, but the fact that it has increased your total item count to eleven is on par with turning around and slapping me in the mouth.

74. Making Sure People Know it Should Be “10 Items or Fewer”
Hey grammar nazis – I know you were probably expecting a slow-motion celebratory embrace when you interrupted my story to inform me I should have said “me” instead of “I”, but that won’t be happening any time soon. All my energy is going towards figuring out if it is possible for us to never be in a conversation again.

75. The Excessive Movie Quoter
Call me conservative, but I believe all people should adhere to a strict 40-to-1 NMQTMQR (non-movie-quote-to-movie-quote ratio). Don’t get me wrong – I love quoting movies. I just– you know what? Never mind. I just decided I’m going to write an entire post about this instead – A Beginner’s Guide to Quoting Movies. Expect it soon.

76. Updating Apps
Dear Apple: I am going to want the latest version of that app I bought 100% of the time. You should never have to ask me about this. There will never be a time when I’m going to want to hunker down with version 3.1.1.2 when 3.1.1.3 is waiting on me with open arms.

Your turn. Finish this sentence: Right now, my biggest pet peeve is…
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Pet Peeves XV

Tyler Stanton — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:51:11 +0000

68. Expert Poker Player
I’m not bothered by the fact that he is good. I’m bothered by the fact he wants everyone to know how good he is. You know the guy. He’s the one who makes sure you know he can shuffle better than you. He’s the guy who knows that a straight beats a three-of-a-kind. He’s the guy hell-bent on fitting all the poker lingo he knows into table conversation. And he is the main reason I don’t play poker.

69. Answering Machine Fake Out
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen for this:

Neil: Hello?
Me: Hey man.
Neil: Hey, what’s up?
Me: Nothing much. Listen man, I got these incredible tickets to the Braves game tonight – box seats! – and I was thinking that since you and I are such great friends, maybe you’d want to–
Neil: Hahaha! Just kidding. Leave a message.
[Beep]
Me: (pause) Um…Gary and I are going to the Braves game tonight. Watch for us on TV.

Word of advice if you’re still doing this: You’re the only one who thinks this is funny. The caller is too busy disliking you to laugh.

70. Too Many Tweets
If you’re currently wondering if I’m talking about you, chances are I am. No one person should occupy 90% of my Twitter feed real estate. Just remember the old Twitter adage: A few tweets a day, the reader will stay. Tweet too much, the reader will begin thinking of ways to morally justify doing irreparable harm to your fingers…and will unfollow you.

71. Early Order Ask
I love me some Chick-fil-A, but they are the earliest order askers in the industry. What would I like? Really? Already? Um, I’d like to get my entire body through the doorway to begin with. Then I’d like to be able to look at the menu without your smiling eyes piercing my soul, politely demanding that I hurry up and order.

What trivial things are bothering you? And, I’d love to hear some more Twitter adages about tweeting too much. I’ll make a post out of the best ones…and give you the greatest prize of all – credit!

For more in this sad series of Peeves, click here.
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko

Pet Peeves XIV

Tyler Stanton — Tue, 11 May 2010 13:35:32 +0000

You know you have too many peeves when you have to start spending a few seconds deciphering the Roman numerals. To the best of my knowledge, “XIV” means that this is the fourteenth episode. Here are a few more that chip away at my life.

64. The Early Bus*
I’ve never been a waiter, so there’s a good chance I’ll get reamed for this. But I’d like to propose a cute little rhyme that every waiter everywhere must learn. It goes like this: “If they’ve already paid, bus away. If they’re still sitting down, don’t you dare start bussing the freaking table as though they’re an inconvenience to you, you selfish jerk.”

65. Poor-Timed Movie Opinion
Bro, it’s cool if you didn’t like the movie. Just try using some discretion when telling me it wasn’t that good. Here’s a hint: When I have popcorn in hand and see you in the lobby on my way to go sit down – not an appropriate time. Are you trying to stop me from seeing it? Are you trying to get me to appreciate the sophistication of your criticism? What is your end goal here?

66. HGTV Hosts’ Biceps
I can hardly watch home renovation shows anymore. The biceps are too large. And not like a I’m-kind-of-jealous-of-the-way-your-arms-look kind of large. More of a Your-biceps-have-surpassed-your-thighs-and-are-now-competing-with-the-girth-of-your-torso kind of large. I feel like I’m watching aliens build cabinets. Not my idea of entertainment.

67. ‘Rents
I don’t think people who say “I’m hanging out with the ‘rents this weekend” know how this makes them sound. It’s disrespectful, in my opinion. Can we not spare the extra time and energy it takes to put par- at the beginning? After all they’ve done for us?

Feels good to get that off my chest. Anything bothering you?

Click here for more in the Million Peeves series.

*I thought “bussing” tables was “busting” tables. Fortunately, my readers are comfortable enough to let me know how much of an idiot that makes me. Thanks guys!
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko

Pet Peeves XIII

Tyler Stanton — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 12:35:12 +0000

59. “To make a long story short”
This is typically inserted into the end of a story that has already gone way too long. I got news for you pal – David Blaine couldn’t make your long story short. The damage has already been done.

60. Puppet Commercials
Every time I see a Lebron James or Kobe Bryant puppet commercial come on TV, I die a little inside. And if I’m dying inside, just imagine how Lil’ Penny must feel. Someone should really tell Nike that puppet charactures ruin careers. Speaking of, has anyone thought about Anfernee Hardaway since 1998? What is he doing now?

61. Pompous Waiters
Hey Lanier (that’s always his name), don’t scoff at me for not knowing what vegetable escabeche is. It’s your job to know, not mine. Oh, and you should know that I’m basing your tip on a complex algorithm I came up with that factors in how quickly you can explain it to me, whether or not a seven-year-old understand it, your height, and your facial expression when I ask for the silverware I didn’t get. It usually comes out to be around 20%.

62. Covered Back Tire
I would rather drive a PT Cruiser than have a car that has the half-covered back tire. You know what I’m talking about. Instead of the car’s paneling arching around the back tire, it has decided to sprint straight across to the back bumper. This “feature” is usually reserved for Oldsmobiles and Buicks.

63. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”
Dudes say this after something awesome happens, even though they haven’t spoken or “talked about” anything. Where did this come from? I guess the phrase’s originator just got bored with the typical expressions of joy (I kind of don’t blame him).

I’d love to hear what’s annoying you these days. It will help me feel less shallow.

For more of the million peeves, click here.
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko

Pet Peeves XII

Tyler Stanton — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 12:38:01 +0000

54. Pre-Dice-Roll Rituals
If I have to spend one more second watching you blow on the dice or shake them vigorously for eight seconds prior to your roll, I might just stab myself with this mini-pencil I’m using to keep score. I’m not sure which is more absurd – the ritual itself, or the fact that you actually believe it works.

55. Pennies
If someone offered me “a penny for my thoughts”, I would most certainly decline. Besides the fact that I think my thoughts are worth more than that (somewhere in the dime range), offering me a penny is like offering me an empty Arby’s cup – you’re essentially asking me to throw away your trash.

56. The Huncher
This occurs when someone has to walk between you and something you’re watching. It started as an innocent bend-over to prevent any obstruction to your line of sight, but now it’s just gotten out of hand. Even if there is a 100% chance he will be in your way, he’ll still bend over and shuffle past you. Is this an easier alternative to “Excuse me”?

57. Hockey Highlights
To me, the worst part of SportsCenter has always been the hockey segment. I honestly don’t think I’d notice if they played the same highlight seven consecutive times, passing it off as different games. The only things more irritating than these initial highlights are the in-depth Barry Melrose reports and the times a hockey highlight gets the #1 spot on Top Plays.

58. Hazards in the Rain
You know what enables me to see you in the rain? Your headlights, tail lights, and 2000 lb. car. So, unless someone’s getting a vasectomy in the back seat or you’re parking in the fire lane while returning a DVD to Redbox, keep your hands off the hazards button.

Looking at the above list, I bet it’s hard to be friends with me.

What about you? Any peeves we need to know about?
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Pet Peeves XI: Football

Tyler Stanton — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 13:39:46 +0000

Being sick the past couple days has resulted in me watching an absurd amount of football. I think taking in such a concentrated amount in such a short amount of time has greatly intensified my disgust for certain aspects of the sport. See if you agree…

50. Bowl Names
I think I’d rather have a 3-7 season than go to one of the following (real) bowls: Advocare V100 Independence Bowl, R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, Papajohns.com Bowl, or the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. Where is this going? “Hey, did you see The Nagano Hibachi Steakhouse and Sushi Bar First Half?” “No, my car battery died. I barely made it back for the Smoothie King Field Goal at the end of The You-Can-Do-It-We-Can-Help-Home-Depot Overtime.”

51. Post-tackle Body Spasm
This typically occurs directly after a defensive player sacks the quarterback. He gets up from the ground as fast as he can, sprints about seven feet away, and unleashes a body spasm so embarrassing that people send condolences to his family. Either that or he beats the crap out of his own chest to remind everyone that he was responsible for what just happened, or he nods his head so aggressively you’d think someone just asked him if he thinks highly of himself.

52. No Yellow Line
The yellow first down line is the single greatest innovation in sports history. Why would a network purposefully choose to not use it? Is it money? If it’s a money issue, let me offer a suggestion. We’d rather you black out the entire second quarter of the game to play freecreditreport.com commercials if it means we get the yellow line the rest of the game. Never compromise on this again.

53. Halftime Interview
Come on, Networks. I get what you’re trying to do here, but is this really necessary? I don’t think a single profound word has ever been spoken in one of these interviews. I think the coaches do it on purpose so they’ll eventually stop having to do them.

Reporter: Coach, tell us… What are your thoughts on the first half?
Coach: (annoyed) Well, we need to do a little better offensively…and, um, defensively.
Reporter: Fascinating. Back to you guys in the booth.
Booth Commentator 1: He tells it like it is, doesn’t he?
Booth Commentator 2: Straight shooter!

Thoughts? What do you hate, if anything, about fútbol americano? Nate Rector and Bryan Allain – I expect you two to have a lot to say about this.
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