(This Saturday Morning Guest Post is from my friend Jon Arena, the healthiest and most sarcastic man I know)

We all know a Yankees fan we’d love to punch in the throat, or that guy at work who dedicates 100% of his free time to becoming the world’s foremost authority on Jack Bauer. But neither one of these can touch the #1 Concert Fan.

The unfortunate thing about the #1 Concert Fan is that in a cruel paradox of obnoxiousness, this “guy” will always make up about 48% of the audience.  Two notes into that obscure song that only the serious fans know, the #1 Concert Fan will scream at the top of his/her voice, indicating “Hey!  I know this song!  And not only do I know this song, I freaking love it!  I’m probably going to demonstrate how much I love it by singing all the words!  Don’t sweat it if you’re not into _____ as much as I am; you can just listen to me singing the words right in your ear.  That way you’ll be able to enjoy _____ AND me singing at almost the same time!”

Why do these people feel the need to scream and sing during a concert?  They’re doing the very things that they’ve paid the musicians to do.  And if someone absolutely must scream for a song, make it something like Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy,” or Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”.  Not “Re:Stacks” by Bon Iver.  That one hasn’t exactly cracked the top 100 of Americana yet.

There are very few things that make me feel like I’ve wasted money more than overpaying for tickets to go to a concert to see a musical act that I’ve probably already got albums from, only to hear some power tool drowning out the actual performer by singing off key and out of time.
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(This is a Saturday Morning Guest Post from my friend Philly):
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This guy thinks he can get credit for being funny by adding to a witty or sarcastic comment I just made.  His attack comes in many forms but commonly goes like this:

Friend: Hey do you want to go roller blading in the parking lot?
Me: Yeah, let me grab my ba-ha and I’ll meet you in 7th grade.
Joke Associate: (too loud and at 50% the speed of normal human speech) “Oh wait.”

He says this to say, “Wait a second everybody…he was just kidding. It was a joke. I get it. He should have said ‘oh wait’ so everybody knew he was joking, then it would have been even funnier. I’m helping the humor. Please love me.”

Thanks J.A. for making my comment less funny by opening your sweaty, halitosis mouth.

In attempting to appear funny, the J.A. proves that he isn’t.  He’s like the guy who kicks a lady after she just got mugged to prove he is tough — the work is already done, man.  (Hey J.A. if what you said would have made my comment funnier, I would have already said it so leave the humor to funny people and just enjoy the show.  Stop ruining it for everybody.)

PS – The Follow-Up Quoter is a subset of The Joke Associate.  While walking in Mexico with a group I say, “I don’t speak Spanish” to a dog barking at us.  Everybody laughs.  Those who don’t know the reference think it’s funny, and those who do recognize it appreciate the homage to Will Ferrell. Then the Follow-Up Quoter says “You ate a whole block of cheese?*” Nobody laughs.

*The Follow-Up Quoter invariably misquotes the actual line.

This actually happened to me at Starbucks the other day (at least this is what I think was happening).

Me: Oh look – someone’s coming. I think I’ll hold the door open for him. After all, I am awesome.

Guy: That guy couldn’t be holding the door open for me, could he? I’m like 60 yards away.

Me: Hmm. That dude’s a lot farther away than I thought. This was a mistake. Is it OK to unhold the door?

Guy: Do I need to walk faster? What’s the proper etiquette here? Is a mild jog acceptable?

Me: I don’t think he sees me. I think it’s OK to unhold as long as we don’t make eye con- Dangit! We just made eye contact. I think I’m stuck here for the long haul.

Guy: Wait, is this guy mad at me? He seems mad. How do I feel guilty right now?

Me: Would looking at my watch be too obvious? There has got to be a way to speed this up.

Guy: Is he actually pulling the watch-look? People do that? There’s no way he cares about what time it is. He’s just messing with me. I’ll show him. Whoops – looks like I need to tie my shoe…right now.

Me: No! What the… OK, this is… I can’t stand this guy!

Guy: Let’s see, I think I’ll just twirl the ol’ keys a little, just to make sure that jerk knows how little of a hurry I’m in.

Me: Are you kidding me!? Just walk through the freaking door, you monster! Relieve me from this bondage!

Guy: OK, here we go. It’s time to enter.

Me: Almost done here, Tyler. You’ve done well. Just exchange pleasantries and be on your way.

Guy: Hey. How’s it going?

Me: Nothing much.

Me: Son of a-

When I was 15, I started a 50,000-person “Beat LA” chant at the Braves game. There isn’t a greater feeling in life, knowing that you single-handedly birthed a 3-minute revolution. This is precisely why The Wave Starter exists. He’s tasted the magic and wants nothing more than another shot at glory.

You know the guy I’m talking about. He had 13 beers during the pre-game tailgate. He proudly dons a t-shirt from a sorority function he went to back in ’01 and wears sunglasses with Croakies (even though it’s nearly 8pm). Oh, and he’s always ready to fight. Yes, that’s the guy.

He’ll devote no less than 4 innings to making this wave happen. Eight minutes in, he’s sweatier than any of the players on the field. You think about joining in, but decide against it. Now he’s pissed at you. He keeps telling you (specifically) to Come on! and you do your best to pretend like you don’t notice. At some point, the game on the field is no longer important. All you care about is defeating The Wave Starter and crushing his dreams.

Eventually, the crowd will give in. The wave will make a victorious half-lap before dying out in left-center field. The Wave Starter will tell this heroic tale for the next five decades – how he overcame the odds, defeated the villain (you), and brought thousands to their feet. Then his grandkids will tell him he’s a loser.

Do you know someone who is The Wave Starter? I do.