Bryan Allain and I had a Twitter follower contest about a year ago in which he brought home the prized silver medal. Amish Country was proud of him for his runner-up finish, but deep down, Bryan wanted more. A deep hatred of me rose up within him. He channeled that hatred into something useful – destroying me in our quest for the elusive 5000-follower mark.

Now he’s there on the mountain top, sipping on Coronas, waiting for someone to join him. He’s lonely. He’s desperate. Which is why he made this video:

For more Bryan, click here. For more nostalgia, click here. For more ludicrousness, click here.
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In the midst of my various Hate Lists and Pet Peeve rants, I feel like it’s only healthy that I keep a running list of the things I love. You know, just to balance things out a bit. Here are some things that I hope to never do without.

1. Pre-sneeze faces
To whom it may concern: Please start a blog that consists entirely of pictures of people about to sneeze. This is the funniest face a human can make.

2. Burnt Cheez-Its
Every now and then, an entire box of Cheez-Its has been baked a little too long. Each square has been bronzed to perfection, creating an entirely different taste altogether.

3. When friends self-correct a bad handshake
One of the worst things in life is when a quick grab or foul tip occurs and the two parties pretend it never happened. The rest of the day is either spent thinking less of the other person or kicking yourself for the poor performance. You know you’ve found a true friend when he calls for a do-over on the spot.

4. Strawberry Laffy Taffy
The single best candy on the market. I sometimes tuck these away in my cheek like a wad of chewing tobacco, which might explain my freakishly high cavity count. No Ms. Dental Hygienist – I will not stop doing this or chewing on ice. Please stop advising me in this way.

5. Audiobooks
Thanks to Tripp Crosby (former blogger), I now refuse to run without listening to an audiobook. For about 75% of the run, it takes my mind off of the fact that I’m partaking in an idiotic activity. A $7/month subscription to Audible has been one of the leading contributors to health.

6. Outback’s Bloomin’ Onion
This is the official appetizer of tylerstanton.com. If it wouldn’t cause my arteries to burst in multiple places, I would eat this American delicacy every day.

What trivial things do you love? Rainbows and good parking spaces don’t count. Even if you don’t write them in the comments, at least take some time to think about– You know what? Screw that. Write them in the comments.
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1. Favorite Commercial – Old Spice’s Questions

2. Favorite Google Search – “2204355″

3. Favorite Movie Trailer – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (I know I put the teaser up last week, but this is the full-length trailer for the love)

4. Favorite Photo – The Real Andy

5. Favorite Website – SuperMarioBrosCrossover.com

6. Favorite Stop-Motion Short - Star Wars Kid (watch the original here, and see what he’s up to now here)

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Dear people without kids,

Hello! I hope you’ve been enjoying doing whatever the heck you want, whenever the heck you want to. There are a few things that those of us with kids would like you to know though. I hope you’ll take a few moments to read the following letter and, more importantly, heed the advice.

Right this second, you are at your most idealistic about parenting. You’ve read all the books, taken all the classes, and discussed all of the popular parenting philosophies. Little do you know, you’ll forget all about your promise to “never shove candy in your kid’s face to get him to shut up” the first time you’re baby decides to freak out in an airplane. I know. I was you.

You close the door too loud. It’s a proven fact that, when a kid is sleeping, the single loudest thing in a house is a closing door. From now on, twist the knob, open, twist the knob again, close. If it makes it easier, pretend you’re a spy or something.

The current TV volume is what we have chosen to be the maximum acceptable volume (also known as the Dan Buice Rule). When our kids are sleeping, take our subtle hints. We’ve chosen volume level 27 for a reason. We’re whispering to each other for a reason. We’re “calling it a night” and escorting you to the door for a reason.

Don’t parent my kids. If I haven’t put a stop to what my kid is doing, don’t feel the need. Chances are, he’s probably used to doing that thing because his parents have previously approved of it.

Men, it is never OK to touch a pregnant woman’s stomach without an invitation. I don’t go around touching your wife’s abs just because I heard she’s been working out, do I? Same thing.

When a baby is freaking out in public, feel sorry for the parents. Sure, you’re natural tendency is to get mad at the infant who is incapable of controlling his emotions. But let me challenge you to redirect that anger into something more worthwhile – sympathy for the parents. They’re the ones in pain.*

Thanks for your time. Enjoy the movie theater!
Tyler

Anything I need to add? This is just a work in progress, so all you parents out there, feel free to give your input.

*It should be noted that I LOVE being a parent and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Most of my advice is a direct result of my own pre-kid ignorance.
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+ I now subscribe to four magazines (pictured below). The sheer pleasure I get from opening my mailbox and seeing one of them in there is worth every penny.

+ I’m fly fishing for the first time today with my Dad and brothers. This is yet another thing to add to the list of things that I, as a 29.9 year old man, have never successfully done. Or you could add it to my shameful Confessions of an Aspiring Man’s Man. Either way.

+ We just got our 2.5 year old an iPod touch off of Craigslist ($90). I know, I know…ridiculous. Read this article before you judge me though. It’s what made me want to do it.

+ I think @sethmeyers21 is batting a thousand when it comes to funny tweets. I wonder if he has a team like Conan, or if they’re all his own creation? FYI: He’s hosting the ESPYs this year.

+ iPhone 4 owners, please weigh-in: Now that I have the iOS4 software on my 3GS, is the upgrade worth it? I mean, are Face Time and an HD camera worth the lines I’ll have to wait in?*

+ My brothers and I were in fierce debate yesterday over the answer to this question: How many lost golf balls are currently hidden throughout an average golf course? Discuss. (Note: We lost a combined 50 yesterday.)

*Who am I kidding? I’m still getting one.
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If you’re wondering how the Hate List differs from my running list of Pet Peeves, I’m not really sure. Nor am I sure how Pet Peeves differ from Don’t Be That Guys, or how Don’t Be That Guys differ from I Already Know a Lot About Yous. I guess it’s just a desperate attempt for this one trick pony to appear multidimensional. Whatever the case may be, here are some more items I would punch if my hand wouldn’t get hurt in the process.

(The first 10 can be found here)

11. Stringy book bags – You know, the ones that look like miniature draw-stringed laundry bags (or, better yet, merchandise bags from the Apple Store)? Non-13-year-old girls should never wear them.

12. First half of a snow cone – No one gets a snow cone for its unique texture. Either give me more sugar liquid, or scrape off that clear mound of nothingness before you give it to me. If it’s not going to give my teeth a blue tint, I’m not interested.

13. Voicemail re-instruction –  The biggest waste of eight seconds in human history is the computer woman’s reiteration of how to leave a voicemail, directly after you have done so (and even that’s a tad unnecessary). Oh, and no – I will never press 5 to leave a callback number.

14. Root Beer – The black sheep of the beer family. You’ve done worse things in the name of beer than Bud Dry ever dreamt of doing.

15. Moving car seats from one car to the other – I know there’s an entire group of you kid-less readers who simply can’t understand how awful this is. As a matter of fact, I’m not even going to try to explain it. I’m going to let those of you with kids explain it in the comments section.

Fill in the blank: “I would rather __________ than move our kids’ car seats from one car to the other.”

16. ALL CAPS – Regardless of whether you’re really happy or really angry, it is never OK for an entire email to be written in all caps. Rule of thumb: If your sentence doesn’t involve Landon Donovan scoring a game-winning goal in stoppage time, refrain from using all caps.

What do you hate? Taxes and traffic don’t count. Spice it up a little.
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