Tips for Flying
June 14th, 2010 - Uncategorized - 9 Comments »I’ve written about flying before. It seems like every time I fly, though, there’s a fresh set of things that need to be addressed. Today I want to bring you in on a list of flying tips I’m trying to get added to the pre-flight video. In my opinion, these tips are far more essential than the fact that my seat cushion doubles as a floatation device. Here’s what I have so far:
Establish arm rest early.
I’d rather ride in the overhead bin than spend two minutes without the arm rest. I didn’t pay $300 for this ticket to see how long I could touch my elbows together (I can do that for free – 6 hours, 33 minutes).
This is not the time to make friends.
If there’s ever a justifiable time to give rude, pithy answers to the person sitting next to you, this is it. I can’t have the precious time I spend worrying about our plane’s imminent crash (dang you, LOST!) interrupted with questions about where I’m going and what I’ll be doing there. Let me choose how I’m going to spend the last remaining minutes of my life.
The answer is always YES when asked if you can fulfill exit row duties.
Don’t worry. No one has ever paid attention to the exit row responsibilities when being asked to sign off on them. The answer is always YES. No exceptions.
If someone has to pee, there is no good seat.
If you have a window seat, you have to muster up the nerve to wake your sleeping neighbor to go to the bathroom. If you have an aisle seat, you will be woken up no less than six times throughout the duration of your flight so Ol’ Half-Bladder can get his hourly fix. There is no win here.
It is perfectly OK to litter in the seatbacks.
As I’ve mentioned before, the airplane seatback is one of the only remaining places on earth where it is still OK to haphazardly discard wrappers. Whenever they come down the aisles with trash bags, just remind them that you’ve got a trash can at the end of your knees. They’ll thank you.
The pretzels are actually the flight attendants’ personal possessions.
Sure, there are only seven pretzels in the mini-bag, but don’t you dare ask for more. The only explainable reason I can come up with for flight attendant’s level of frustration with me when I ask for an extra bag is that this is actually her own personal stash.
What else needs to be added to the list?
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Post sponsored by Atlanta Personal Injury Attorney, Robert N. Susko
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Apparently, it's perfectly ok to drink tomato juice on an airplane. You never go to a friend's house and say "Yes… I'll take some tomato juice!." But on a plane, it seems like everyone gets it.
I'm pretty sure every half opened can of soda belongs to the flight attendant as well. don't you dare ask to keep the can that she poured a third of coke out of – she' land the plane right then and there and kick you off.
there is no worse seat than the ones directly in front or behind the exit row. if you're in front – your seat does not recline (not that it would help – but it's the little things when you're headed for a crash landing on the magical island).
if you're behind the exit row – you have even less leg room than all the other seats on the plane. so when half bladder needs to scoot by you – he's definitely going to sit in your lap on the way out.
Everyone's famous on the plane: Everyone knows rich people can't drive, hence taxis, so they have to fly. If you're black you're Will Smith, if you're white you're Ryan Gosling. Wear sunglasses and you're more verified than a blue check on twitter.
Everyone's a serial killer off the plane: You ever seen Taken and/or any other plane movie? Never hang out with someone you met on a plane. A) They're travelling light B) They've got a quick getaway. Thanks Dexter.
that's freaking hilarious.
went to your blog…really funny stuff.
……………….
tyler stanton
Dude, thanks.
Megatron cool of you.
Few panic attacks rival the one I endure as I board the plane, enter the main aisle and begin the mental calculation of where my seat is located. And after many a plane flight, I've concluded that THE worst seat on the plane resides directly in front of the rear bathroom.
Of course the obvious reasons. (Never mind that I've flown cross-country and received nothing more than an off-brand Mint Milano. No, this 40 minute trip from Charlotte to DC will include – surprise! – a complimentary breakfast burrito. And yours truly is suddenly the unwilling wingman into every passengers' worst g.i. nightmare.)
What could make it worse? Your seat doesn't recline. At all. Undoubtedly the passenger directly in front of you wishes to take a quick nap, thus reclining his/her head into your lap. The only other time this position is socially acceptable is when the hygienist cleans your teeth.
Here are a few I live by:
1. Exit row is the poor man's first class.
2. When asked if I am comfortable assisting in the event of an emergency, I choose one of two responses: A) Yep, first one out! B) Yeah, I've done it before.
3. I enjoy telling the flight attendant "The captain's a real nice guy, I bought him a drink at the bar back in Dallas.. Class act all the way".
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