Open Letter to People Without Kids
July 1st, 2010 - Uncategorized - 79 Comments »Dear people without kids,
Hello! I hope you’ve been enjoying doing whatever the heck you want, whenever the heck you want to. There are a few things that those of us with kids would like you to know though. I hope you’ll take a few moments to read the following letter and, more importantly, heed the advice.
Right this second, you are at your most idealistic about parenting. You’ve read all the books, taken all the classes, and discussed all of the popular parenting philosophies. Little do you know, you’ll forget all about your promise to “never shove candy in your kid’s face to get him to shut up” the first time you’re baby decides to freak out in an airplane. I know. I was you.
You close the door too loud. It’s a proven fact that, when a kid is sleeping, the single loudest thing in a house is a closing door. From now on, twist the knob, open, twist the knob again, close. If it makes it easier, pretend you’re a spy or something.
The current TV volume is what we have chosen to be the maximum acceptable volume (also known as the Dan Buice Rule). When our kids are sleeping, take our subtle hints. We’ve chosen volume level 27 for a reason. We’re whispering to each other for a reason. We’re “calling it a night” and escorting you to the door for a reason.
Don’t parent my kids. If I haven’t put a stop to what my kid is doing, don’t feel the need. Chances are, he’s probably used to doing that thing because his parents have previously approved of it.
Men, it is never OK to touch a pregnant woman’s stomach without an invitation. I don’t go around touching your wife’s abs just because I heard she’s been working out, do I? Same thing.
When a baby is freaking out in public, feel sorry for the parents. Sure, you’re natural tendency is to get mad at the infant who is incapable of controlling his emotions. But let me challenge you to redirect that anger into something more worthwhile – sympathy for the parents. They’re the ones in pain.*
Thanks for your time. Enjoy the movie theater!
Tyler
Anything I need to add? This is just a work in progress, so all you parents out there, feel free to give your input.
*It should be noted that I LOVE being a parent and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Most of my advice is a direct result of my own pre-kid ignorance.
___
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In my humble opinion, loud door-closing is the most ignorant thing someone can do. I'd rather you spit beer in my child's face while cussing at them at the top of your voice than wake them up with a careless door closing that does not involve twisting the knob.
also, for those couples who do not have kids, I suggest at least once a week when one of you walks in the door you should exclaim (with glee) "What are we gonna do tonight honey?? No kids tonight, we can do WHATEVER we want!!!" Trust me on this one.
A lot of these could also apply to empty nesters too… was just at my in-laws visiting for the week, and they get up at 5AM every morning to do a Bible study before my FIL leaves for work. My MIL read Elijah calling down fire from heaven at the top of her lungs and woke up the kids. Then, she wondered why at 1PM they were so cranky. They also have the TV up too loud when it's time to go to bed… and they wonder why we don't visit Grandma's house more?
"My MIL read Elijah calling down fire from heaven at the top of her lungs and woke up the kids" – it's 10am, but i'm 100% sure I won't read a better sentence all day.
Bryan, you could be right. Then again maybe you haven't read SCL yet, Jon's got some pretty amazing sentences everyday. And you did make me lol which I hate to use by the way unless it's really true.
It's currently 4:11 and a better line has yet to be spoken.
Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, do NOT buy my kid a toy that doesn't have a volume control on it. Stuffed animals, matchbox cars, dolls, art supplies — these are good. These are quiet. But I've got 4 kids and if they all have something that is wailing at the top of its electronic voice box and THEY are all yelling at the top of their lungs, I'm going to have to kill someone. And since I probably like my kids marginally more than you, well…just don't buy that.
Fortunately for our sanity, Daddy always finds where the batteries are on the noisy toys the first night and replaces them with dead/dying ones.
A noisy toy is NOT a gift! It's a declaration of WAR!!!
Addendum to "Don't Parent My Kid," for me:
If my kid jumps off of a 4-foot bookshelf in your presence, there's a three step process:
1. Look at me.
2. If I am laughing, proceed to step 3(a), if I am tripping over myself to check airway, breathing, and circulation, proceed to step 3(b)
3(a). Laugh, and don't correct him, he's getting better at landing on something other than his face.
3(b). Feel free to parent my child. I'm clearly not qualified.
addendum to addendum: if it's *your* 4-foot bookshelf, I will follow your rules. if it's *my* furniture your kid is jumping on/off of, I will kindly parent your child, or ask you to parent your child, or never invite you back to my house. :)
I know some of you think that pacifiers look ridonculous. I know some of you swear you will never use them when you have kids. But if, after three months of getting no more than two straight hours of sleep, you suddenly discover that inserting a small plastic/rubber contraption into your child's mouth will get them to sleep through the night, trust me, you'll do it. And you'll be happy to do it. (Whether or not, in hindsight, I recommend it is a completely different conversation).
And don't tell me my 2 year old is too old for said pacifier. I know she is, we all know it. But you come and police her from taking the babies away ALL DAY LONG and then tell me she's too old for it. You don't have time? Yeah, me neither.
Just accept the fact that at some point you WILL use the TV as a babysitter. That's ok. We all do. (Except for those loons who don't have TV's. They just use pacifiers.)
We do actually use the TV to baby sit our kids from time to time . . . we just don't use it to babysit ourselves . . . (ouch!)
Shawn – You should really try babysitting yourself with television. There really is nothing like it.
182 days to go.
When buying a pet for your niece or nephew, try to keep in mind that you reap what you gift.
If my siblings bought my children a pet, said pet would be at their house the very next day…or sooner.
Or a bag of 1000 balls. Or a cartoonishly loud bike horn.
I was at a college football game with a married couple who I considered very close friends. They were expecting their first child at the time. When my team scored a TD, I was so taken with the moment that I high fived them both, and then inexplicably high-fived her pregnant stomach. They acted normally enough about it, but I felt pretty weird immediately afterward. I've often wondered if that was out of bounds. Thank you for justifying my regret.
I like you, Kent. This is a great story. And by the way, parents, I woke up at 9:30 this morning, and now I'm watching Bones in my p.j.'s. On a Thursday. I know I'm going to love being a mom some day, and I really admire you all for bringing kids into the world and striving to raise them well, but right now all I can think is, "Suckerrrrrz."
going along with the loud door closing- never, and i mean NEVER, ring the doorbell between the hours of 1:00pm and 5:00pm a.k.a. regulation nap time. you might as well just go to my kid's window with a chainsaw and some M-80s…and if you are guilty of this crime and i open the door looking like i'm about to dropkick you in the groin, i probably am and you might want to just come back another time.
Great point. I'm at my fastest when I see someone approaching the door at nap time. I can leap up from the couch, hurdle the coffee table, and sprint outside through the garage in the time it takes the person to extend his doorbell-pressing finger. If only my high school coach could see me in that situation.
If you don't have kids, don't EVER tell someone who does have kids, "We have just been so busy"
LIAR
You are not busy. Having 5pm until bedtime free EVERYDAY makes you a incredibly un-busy actually. I've gone weeks without a hair cut, not because I couldn't afford it, but because I never had an hour free (day or night)
or that "I'm so tired."
no you're not.
oh childless friends…sleep while the sleepin's good.
Weeks without a haircut?
Yes – much longer, in fact.
More than once I have succumbed to taking the kids with me for the haircut.
Miserable. Experience.
I would add, if you don't have a child of your own, I don't ever want to hear about your idealistic child baring and parenting views.
Someone needs to write a post entitled: "Open Letter to Parents with Only One Kid"
It's funny to me how things change with child #2 comes along. All those reeeal important things…yeah not so much.
Incredible point. You write it, I'll link to it. Deal?
Touche.
When a 3-year-old is screaming while being dragged away by one arm from the toy section of Target, don't roll your eyes and say to your spouse, "I'll never do that to my child." Because you will do that. When there's no place to pull a time-out chair, and the kid is spewing venomous verbal accusations at you, you'll march down the aisle pulling your child proudly knowing she is providing a floor cleaning service like no other.
Just a reminder: you chose to have kids. . .
True, true. We did choose to have kids. Doesn't diminish the need for the double-doorknob-turn though.
Be prepared to give up TV watching during normal hours. You will DVR everything and watch it at midnight.
and I should add that your DVR will back up and you will eventually give up watching most of the shows that seemed important enough to DVR.
One word – Netflix.
I have no problem parenting your children. Out of control is out of control. That doesn't mean they can't have fun, but I refuse to watch my house get destroyed by sugar-crazed midgets.
Look at it as me giving you a break. It's a gift you'll appreciate later.
I get you, Tyler. But on behalf of my own demographic (single, no kids), may I say we will obey your rules if you parents will not bring your toddler to the 10 p.m. movie and sit behind us. Or anywhere in the theater.
In Christian love…..
Done. Unless it's a Pixar flick. In that case, you're invading our territory. :)
Also, there is a church nursery for a reason.
As you were.
Sometimes the problem with that is that you the parent end up going to church just to watch your own child in the nursery because they don't have enough help….aggghhh!!!
I try to put my volunteering where my mouth is (if the cliche can be stretched that far)–I help out in the nursery the first Sunday of every month because I know this is a problem.
My husband sometimes works nights. It took several nights of door closing, kids waking before I said something to him. I taught him the twist, hold, slowly pull shut. He does that now and its much better! If only I could figure out how to get his deisel truck to start quieter….
Poop on your hands is not such a odd event.
I feel so much better knowing I have a support group within the comment section of tylerstanton.com
we've lived in new york city in a one bedroom apartment since our daughter was born – so her crib is in our bedroom – and the bathroom is through the bedroom. I'm officially qualified to teach ninja silent walking methods due to my experience in opening the door, sneaking into the bathroom through the bedroom and out again without waking her.
meanwhile she'll take a nap on the Subway and sleep through firetrucks as they pass by. Why is the doorknob the only thing that wakes up a baby?
Dang. I bet it's near impossible to have friends in your situation.
You just gave me a reason to start blogging again.
We all know that's not going to happen.
If I had a dime for every time I've heard you say that (on Twitter, obviously not on your blog), I'd be retiring next week.
when i open my blog coaching business, i'm going to harass you until you sign up.
2 kids is fun, but 3 is a true paradigm shift. “Fairness” flies out the window and “Because I said so!” is now a cardinal rule.
To add to Tim M: Do not judge me when I discipline my child in public. You didn’t get to enjoy the back story leading up to this moment where my last nerve is being worked in the dairy section of the supermarket. Just rest assured that my child is not abused and I am not usually in the state of mind that you are witnessing.
I agree wholeheartedly with the comment about the stranger staring as you discipline your child in public, waiting to see if they need to intervene on behalf of the child. Sometimes you lose your temper. And sometimes, the child really does need a spanking in the middle of the store/parking lot. I repent of every time I ever thought "f I have kids, I'll never do that…" Until you've been there, you just don't know. And dear stranger, you didn't see me holding my tongue and patience in check for the previous five hours before finally losing it.
As a childcare worker I agree with this article. Nothing irritates me more than someone coming into the room during nap time and slamming a door or talking at full volume. I also make it a point not to correct a child in front of their parents. Even though I may spend more time with their child then they do, I know my place.
Wow Everyone,
What whining! Americans whine more about kids and houses and food and cars than any people group. I think a good majority of you know how to raise good and better kids . . . you just need to shut up and do it. Why the Jack Lick you think you need to vent every day is beyond the stars. Do other people a favor and tape yourself for 8 hours then play it back to yourself. Then shut your dirt holes after 8 hours of your vomit session.
Amen brothe– wait, I think you're railing on me.
Just to warn you, you probably won't like much of the rest of the site. It's just a bunch of us who don't take ourselves too seriously.
………………..
tyler stanton
thank you for calling us out on our incessant whining by whining in the comments of a blog. you showed us!
a little harsh bryan
just goofing around Jerry. perhaps i should have put a smiley face emoticon after it?
love the fact that i got 2 thumbs down though. that's kind of fun. (that was joking too)
Tyler and Bryan,
Certainly not every comment was a whine. I spend much time in West Africa and Eastern Nations of South America and I do not see the complaining, nor hear of it in business and social settings. In fact quite the opposite. I have noticed this for about 20 years.
After watching International House Hunters this month (perhaps 3-4 episodes) and seeing the Americans complain over space and looks and upgrades . . . . . and no other nationality complained at all on each episode, I wanted to hurl.
This week met 4 high school friends for dinner and two of them never were able to have kids. Again listened to their story some and the sadness.
Popped on to this blog from who knows how, for the first time, and there was this complaining to read. Bryan is right . . . . I did some whining over the whining! I accept that!
I apologize for the tone and the unfortunate timing. Peace on you all!
no need to apologize my man. i was just being a goof. kids are a blessing, Americans are spoiled, and life can be really tough. that's why i enjoy a good laugh from time to time from funny people like Tyler.
peace right back at you!
[...] Open Letter to People Without Kids [...]
My wife’s 37 weeks preggie, showin pretty good, and last week before church while I was in another location, a “French” guy that she doesn’t know very well just put his hand on her stomach without asking, which happens. Then he decided to put his her to her stomach like she’s a flippin seashell. Then he left it there. While all our friends silently laughed. Finally awkward lasted too long and my buddy brad walked between them. Then the dude went for seconds and gave it another listen. True story.
I wouldve gotten more upset if he wasn’t French, but I’m fairly positive she’s not his type.
*head, not her, he put his head to her stomach. "Her," pshh, that's stupid.
Tyler, this post was hilarious!
The comments weren't.
I don't have kids—on purpose—so, just to make sure I have this right:
I've never been tired.
I've never been busy.
I don't know how to appreciate anything.
I'm an idiot.
Thank you! You spoke exactly what I was thinking!
Haha! I'm glad there's someone else!
[...] 61 Comments » via tylerstanton.com [...]
Love this post and all the comments as well =). Makes me want to wait to have kids a little longer.
I am more than willing to follow your rules if you'll follow a few of mine. Speaking as a member of the intended audience of your original letter (a single, without kids) I would just like to add a few tips to all those people WITH kids: 1) Restaurants: Please do not allow your child to hang over the booth and stare at me during a meal- I'm NOT paying to eat in a fish bowl. 2) Movie Theaters/Planes- Believe it or not I do not enjoy having my movie/plane seat kicked repeatedly over a two hour period. 3) Church Nursery- a)Please do not glare at me when you pick up your child and they are crying. I promise I did not torture them in your absence…might have something to do with all the parents crowding the doorway. b) Please do not withhold pacifiers/security blankets/sanity keeping items. Oh and Sunday school is not the time to put your child in "big girl panties" for the first time.
Okay yep that's about it. Oh yeah one more (this time I'm speaking as a kindergarten teacher) if your child occasionally drives your crazy or gasp…doesn't obey your every word at home don't be shocked when your child's teacher mentions similar issues in the classroom. "What do you mean my child isn't perfect? How dare you…you must hate them! What kind of teacher are you?" (true story)
This might be my favorite post you've written.
Here's one: If I'm alone (a pregnant mom with 2 kids under 3) and it appears that my children are out of control and I need some help, you have two options but really only one is a viable one.
1) If you really can help, close friends and family, then just help. Don't add to the noise and confusion by pounding me with, "what can i do?", "do they need some candy/ice cream/a coke?", "is everything ok?"
Find something that needs to be done and do it. If it's not working, walk away. NO! Unless I decide to go with the quick fix, sugar will not help me later. and I'm not ok. My blood pressure is at it's normal high and I'm about to go crazy.
(2) Look away. Assume I'm doing the best I can. They're louder to me, I promise and I hear it WAY longer than you do. Also, they really are awesome kids and they're probably just having a bad day. Unfortunately, they can't go for a run, vent to a friend, or go out for a drink like you might if you were having a bad day.
This just may be the most annoying post I've ever read. I love your stuff, but this one gets a thumbs down.
Sorry you didn't like it.
………………..
tyler stanton
"Don’t parent my kids. If I haven’t put a stop to what my kid is doing, don’t feel the need. Chances are, he’s probably used to doing that thing because his parents have previously approved of it."
Seriously? I can't stop your kid from playing a non-sanctioned punching game on me? Cause that's happened, and the parent didn't say anything till I asked the kid to stop. I can't stop your kid from brattin' out in the theater? Cause the parent sure isn't doing anything about it, but that doesn't make it okay. I think the biggest problem kids have now is that the parents think the universe spins around the kid.
Tell you what. I'll make sure my boys don't punch you or interrupt your movie (toy story excluded), and you leave the parenting of my kids to the parents. Deal?
………………..
tyler stanton
Mmm…sounds okay I guess. But what about the moms that try to make their babies talk to me in a weird voice in the grocery store line?
that should never be tolerated. especially when it is the mom talking for her baby in a baby voice.
……………….
tyler stanton
I don't have kids…and DO enjoy my free time. I have a busy schedule because I fill up my time…again…by CHOICE. My husband and I travel, run together, and I am a teacher who puts forth 110% effort into my "job" and love what I do. I take my dog for walks, take my nephews for sleepovers and LOVE to spend as much time with them as I can, I am an avid chef in my kitchen and I am up at 5 a.m. and in bed at 10 every night. It is my choice that I am "busy" and without children. I love my life, and am tired of being bashed for my choice.
"Don’t parent my kids. If I haven’t put a stop to what my kid is doing, don’t feel the need. Chances are, he’s probably used to doing that thing because his parents have previously approved of it."
This part should not apply in all places. I don't parent my friends kids I leave them alone and I certainly don't parent a kid in a public place who I have no idea who they are. But, I am a tennis instructor who has taught lots of kids. If I am teaching your child tennis and your kid is out of line or doing something dangerous to other kids (or themselves), you're damn right I'm going to "parent them." I don't care if you have previously approved of it, you're child needs to abide by my rules and obey my authority.
There's a big difference between me choosing to take my kids TO you to put them under your authority and someone coming over to my house telling my kids not to jump off the couch, which we endorse.
I think we're on the same page here.